Back from Holidays

Believe it or not it was just as cold in Florida as home.

The specialist recommended I get lots of fresh air and sunshine, no prob doc! A sunny vacation was planned....NOT.

Dh and I decided to venture out in the misleading sun for a walk to a coffee shop. We bundled up in our winter coats, hats, mitts and brought the camera for the obligatory beach and pool photo. We stood in front of the water fountain, flanked with palm trees huddled together for warmth and posed on the beach with coffee cups in hand, faces red from the sting of the cold ocean air.

Finally on our last day it warmed up. I had saved my trash/gossip magazines for my beach trip. In one day we lounged by the beach, the pool, swam, rode our bikes and ate ice cream. It was hard work to squeeze 7 days of warm vacation into a few hours!

The last time we visited Florida as a couple was April 2009, two weeks following Harrison's passing. Dh had 3 weeks of paternal leave and I was on 12 weeks of maternal leave from our jobs. Time and an unwelcome freedom. Dh always spoke of making the 22 hour drive down south. Who was I to stop a grieving father from accomplishing a goal.

It was so hard to leave our house, I still clung on to hope that I would wake up from my nightmare. I would accept someone knocking on my door and handing me my baby, no questions asked. (I still do have this fantasy) I hated being any further from his resting place and his belongings that filled our house. Regardless we packed our belongs and off we went.

We were going to document this trip as if it was no different than any other vacation. We took pictures of the temperature leaving home and another one once we reached our final destination. We did all those obligatory shots I talked about. We tried our hardest to smile, this is what our son would want. Looking back at those pictures our eyes tell no lies, we are broken and pained.

Getting away to the land of silver hair and snowbirds was great. There was no reminders of our sorrow, no one knew that we were the saddest people alive. We could talk about our feelings when we felt like it. We did not have to hear the numerous awkward condolences and put on our brave masks. It was just DH and I! We cried and we laughed, some times both emotions would come out together.

The drive back was hard, we were ready to come home but not ready to face our reality. As we approached home it felt like loads of brick were being piled on my chest.

The house was quiet, full of those horrible funeral arrangements with dropping leaves. Our mail box was not full of congratulations cards but the opposite. His room was empty just waiting for him to come home. 3 weeks into it and I was still in a fog.

Well we had sun, sand and an attempt at fun!