When things are Up I am Down

The anaology that grief is like riding a roller coaster is so true.  In the early days you measure progress in minutes, then hours than finally days. 

2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks.  I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home.  The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult.  What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out. 

This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?

This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.

I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings.  Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings. 

More Guilt

Some days I feel that I put too much pressure and ask too much of my son, after all he is only a baby. Why should anything be asked of him when he should be here on earth being spoiled by all that love him.

When he was born we gave him the middle name Xander, derived from Alexander. The meaning behind Alexander is protector of man. At birth he was already given a great responsibility of taking care of us and watching out for his siblings. In the past year I have called upon him to guide and give me strength. In those moments I truly felt his love guiding me but afterwards I was overcome with guilt. It is the guilt of asking something so big from my child and expecting him to be mature beyond his years to assist.

My rational mind tells me there is nothing wrong with asking these divine requests of my son but there is nothing rational about having a child in heaven. As his mother I will continue to look out for his well being and I conclude that I am entitled to feel the guilt that all mothers do