The process

Tuesday –Wednesday (the day I don’t remember)

My husband and I set off to the hospital again for another induction GEL and were sent home again to return in the afternoon to be admitted.

We returned home to his room and cried some more and had to say out final goodbyes in the peace of our own home. We read to him and told him how much we loved him. My mother and MIL were waiting in the car for us but we could not leave the comfort of his room. The phone rang and it was the midwife wondering if we were ok as we were an hour late.

As I mentioned this day is very vague. We arrived at the hospital and the room was not ready for me. Somehow my family was all there. My sister had packed snacks and we were shown to an empty room because my family was taking up so much space. I remember trying to be strong and most likely came across very cold.
Finally I was admitted to my room and the midwife and nurses began. Blood was drawn, and the IV was hooked up. This was it no going back. The anesthesiologist was heading home for dinner and wanted to give me my epi asap. I was afraid to be tied down to the bed and went for one last walk before I was frozen in place.

I had the epi before any contractions started. I was now paralyzed physically and emotionally. At this point DH took a sedative to cope. He then fell sound asleep next to me in bed. He either eats or sleeps in distress. He was so sound asleep he tried to position me in our familiar spooning sleep position- this was not happening with an epi. The midwife suggested I too try to sleep but I was much too scared. She asked everyone to leave the room but the silence of my own thoughts scared me too much too sleep.

DH must have wiggled my epi out when he was cuddled next to me because it was no longer working. The anesthesiologist came back and gave me an upper for it. It did not take and he did not believe me. I was in so much pain. Why should I feel additional pain to my heart ache? My blood pressure was rising and my patience had faded. I was in incredible pain and he was being an absolute ass telling me I needed to feel this pain. The midwife went and complained to request a new anesthesiologist. Finally he came in and said he would have to remove the needle and reinsert it (he was trying to discourage me) I sad absolutely and low and behold it started to work again but it was too late. The baby transitioned fast, he was crowning.
This may sound strange. I asked for my toothbrush, makeup and hairbrush. I wanted to look my absolute best when I was to meet the love of my life. I had not brushed my teeth since Tuesday morning and it was now Wednesday morning. DH and I cleaned up and asked everyone to leave the room.

It was time to push; I could still feel all my contraction. I was so afraid of this next step, it was time to say goodbye, and he was really leaving me in all ways. How do you push when you want to hold on so badly…? I was so afraid he would be deformed I covered my head and my DH held me between his legs while I pushed. In very few pushes he was delivered at 6:15 am.
I begged him to cry, this had to be a nightmare. Everyone was wrong, we would show them!

“Cry Baby”

Silence.

He was taken over to the cold warming tray and cleaned up. DH went to look at him first. I was so scared to see my own son. Finally I mustered enough courage to see him.
He was so beautiful and perfect. Again aloud I told him how much I loved him. I will never forget the overwhelming surge of love I felt for him. To this day I try to hold on to that great feeling.