I am proud of myself!

I realize friends and family can’t anticipate all the hard milestones and which ones I am afraid of or are particularly emotional for me. Often times when I share that certain days or events are much too hard for me I am met with stunned non-understanding looks. In those moments I feel judged by those whom I thought I could be honest with. It pains me.

The pain of losing my son and the darkness in my heart I do not share with too many. I do this out of love, I don’t want the people I care for to understand something so dark and painful. However I still want their support. Last week I shared how hard this 40 weeks mark was for me, how I felt time was distancing me from him. I asked for support. I don’t think anyone understood or cared and it makes me feel so alone. Those that do understand are the friends in the blogs and message board sphere. Thank You for those that made the simplest act of a kind word or an e-mail telling me you are thinking of me and validating that I am aloud to feel this way.

In support group we talked about friends and family. The common re occurrence was that many close friends were no longer in the picture and those from a distance became the light. Unfortunately some of the friends I thought I was closest too I am going to have to let go for my own good. I can’t handle anymore rejection and as a mourner I know I deserve the time to feel the way I do. Also I deserve some patience and understanding to navigate the ups and downs. He will always be a part of me and there will always be an emptiness that can never be filled.
I wish those closest to me would congratulate me. I am proud of my grief work, I am proud I have survived, I am proud of my courage and I am proud that I can still smile.

I found this article from another blogging mother. The Death Of A Child - The Grief Of The Parents: A Lifetime Journey


Here is an exert which enforces the validity of what I am feeling.

As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.
It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well.