Scales of Time

  Today is the start of what I feel is one of my hardest milestones.  The scales of time change. Harrison died 40 weeks ago today and Monday is 40 weeks since I last held him and had to say goodbye.

We were together and attached for 40 weeks and now time pulls him further away from me. It really scares me that he starts being gone longer than he was with me.

Son, for 40 weeks I held you safe inside, you listened to my heart and I counted down the days to hear your heart beat at the midwives. Daddy would rest his head against my belly and swore he could hear the sweet murmur of your heart.  For 40 weeks we did everything together, I became a “we”.  We would have full conversations in the grocery store aisles and long talks on the couch.  During late nights at work you would push up on my ribs letting me know you agreed it was time to go home for a rest.

40 weeks ago today you danced your last dance. I was lying in bed amused by your tricks of flips and turns.  Little did I know that would be the last time you would hear my laugh and I would feel you.  That night I slept soundly into the morning.  Your spirit had left your body.  I miss you so much.

Monday will be the 10 month anniversary of his birth and death, the last day I ever held him.  I can’t believe how fast this dreaded time has come, it still feels like yesterday and I am not ready for this shift in the scales of time.  All I can do now is hold him in my heart.

It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.  ~J.K. Rowling, "The Hungarian Horntail," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000

Whether we wake or we sleep, Whether we carol or weep, The Sun with his Planets in chime, Marketh the going of Time. ~Edward Fitzgerald