Some days I feel that I put too much pressure and ask too much of my son, after all he is only a baby. Why should anything be asked of him when he should be here on earth being spoiled by all that love him.
When he was born we gave him the middle name Xander, derived from Alexander. The meaning behind Alexander is protector of man. At birth he was already given a great responsibility of taking care of us and watching out for his siblings. In the past year I have called upon him to guide and give me strength. In those moments I truly felt his love guiding me but afterwards I was overcome with guilt. It is the guilt of asking something so big from my child and expecting him to be mature beyond his years to assist.
My rational mind tells me there is nothing wrong with asking these divine requests of my son but there is nothing rational about having a child in heaven. As his mother I will continue to look out for his well being and I conclude that I am entitled to feel the guilt that all mothers do
The guilt is horrendous... every day. I go there often.
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