Another Flashback

I had another one. Another vividly disturbing flashback from the day I delivered and parted with my son. These flashbacks place me right back to the day, but they are almost worst, as I have the time and the ability to absorb the reality of it.


During the events of losing Harrison I was in complete shock, fully numb and running on auto pilot. Auto pilot is doing what I am programmed to do. Brush my teeth, brush my hair apply my make- up (yes I had a full done daily), cook, clean and be polite. People would ask me to sit, to rest and relax but that was not my automatic response and I was probably terrified to stop and process so I just kept going. Now, almost a year and half later I unfortunately get to relive some of those awful, sometimes gruesome moments in full sensory mode. My flashbacks are full body experiences that include; sights, sounds, smell and worst off are physically painful. For hours afterwards I am physically and emotionally drained. The colour is drained from my skin and my heart is gashed open.

After this last one I questioned my behaviors and decisions from that day. How was I able to leave my child and watch him being carried off? How did I willingly get in the car without him? Why did I not become that hysterical mother that you would see in the movies? Why is my baby not here with me? I found myself screaming “I want my baby, I want my baby, and I want my baby.” I cried and I screamed until the better part of me realized this behavior was not going to make it better and I had to focus on the now because the past is just too painful.