Boy o boy I want a boy

I made a heavy realization the other night. I am consumed by wanting a boy. 

Friends and family have observed the lack of pink and plush around my home.  E does have a tendency to play more male activities.  I can easily justify both of these observations.
 a) I have invested in gender neutral baby items in order to share them amongst siblings
 b) I can't influence my daughters interest in her activities as she is too young
     (her favourite toys are Dumpy the Dump truck and her hammer)

However the other night I sat back and thought about it. E was sleeping and DH was out working late which left me some peaceful time to sit down and have a drink and bask in the silence.  This pause in my day brought out a flood or tears and feelings that had not been purged in a few weeks with the chaos of our household these last few weeks. (Dh taking courses, studying, working late and E had been sick).  Maybe the truth was/is I want a boy so badly I subconsciously gravitate towards more male activities and items.

 It is true that I often think of names for my next boy and imagine toy cars underfoot and perhaps I don't do this for my next girl, ok I don't at all.   If I were to become pregnant again it had to be a boy!  The rational me knows this is beyond my control.  The emotional me would be devastated if I was not given my boy. I feel entitled and owed a boy.  At that very moment I was terrified to be pregnant again and to give birth to another girl and wondered if these inner feelings have been robbing my daughter of a variety of game playing and toys.

I had a talk with Dh about this and he put me to rest that I was not harming our daughter, he feels that I am more naturally drawn to the less girlie games and activities and in fact I do give E girlie items when they are hers exclusively such as stuffed animals and clothing.  So that's one fear taken care of, leaving just my strong desire to have a boy. 

The emotional impact of this event never dies, when I think I am on the road to normal again another hidden fear emerges.