I am still so angry, I feel so dirty and awful inside for all the anger that I can't let go. My anger is two fold, I am angry at myself and at my sweet baby boy.
Son, why did you leave me? Was I not good enough to be your mommy? Did I do something wrong? I wish so hard you would have given me the chance to show you my love.
Myself, how did you let this happen? How is your husband ever supposed to look at you the same way you failed in your duty to bring him a son.
What I have never told anyone because its too painful for me to admit to is I think I could have saved him. I was involved in a small car accident; a rear ending, nothing too bad but shook me up that the mundane activity of driving in traffic to work could harm my baby. After the bump I went in for a Non-Stress Test (NST) and everything checked out fine. I felt I was being paranoid because it was not a big deal the accident, the baby would only have felt my heart race. I was offered an ultra-sound which I declined because I was trying to keep the testing to a minimum. GOD was I so dumb, they would have seen you were in trouble and gotten you out of me. I keep thinking the accident was not an accident but an intervention and an external call for help. I could have saved you but now I need to live with the guilt that I was too passive and trusting in myself. I hate myself for this.
Its so hard to share these thoughts with friend and family. I know their reaction would be a look of horror that I think this way followed by so many reassuring lines that it was nothing I did and no one knew that outcome. I don't want or deserve reassurance. I want to know how to live with this.
I wish I had the words to take away your pain,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could wave a magic wand and turn back time so you have your baby in your arms.
All I can do is open my arms and offer you a great big hug and a shoulder to cry on!!