When things are Up I am Down

The anaology that grief is like riding a roller coaster is so true.  In the early days you measure progress in minutes, then hours than finally days. 

2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks.  I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home.  The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult.  What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out. 

This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?

This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.

I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings.  Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings.