I forgot to update you on some cute cemetery happenings. Who said cuteness could not happen in cemeteries?
When we got out of the car the other weekend, after unhooking the gates and closing them off so Elodie could run free we asked her to find Harrison. She toddled her way down the rows and found his stone.
When we left she leaned down and kissed her brothers stone with a loud smack and another kiss for her Great Grandparents (her name sakes) and said her Buh-Bye and was on her way.
She knows there is something special and loved behind those gates.
December 6, 2011
November 24, 2011
Working Parents
Sorry blog I don't post much but I don't have much time. With both parents out of the house and a 19 month old time is very limited.
When I lost Harrison I said I wanted to stay at home and raise my children and enjoy every second of them. Reality check we need dual incomes and I like working. I like adults, I like challenges and honestly work gives me a bit of personal time. As for Elodie she loves when Mommy and Daddy are home but we think she may prefer the company of her peers much more. After all they speak her language, challenge her to try new things and are willing to sing the same song over and over again.
Our daughter is showing signs of being the next stage sensation with her rendition of Rolly Polly and Incy Wincy Spider being sung repeatdly and even in her sleep.
Daddy is about to undertake a big transition to find more work/family life balance. In December he will be changing jobs to work for a local hospital in their cancer department. He is really looking forward to putting his passion towards helping others while only being half an hour away from his girls.
When I lost Harrison I said I wanted to stay at home and raise my children and enjoy every second of them. Reality check we need dual incomes and I like working. I like adults, I like challenges and honestly work gives me a bit of personal time. As for Elodie she loves when Mommy and Daddy are home but we think she may prefer the company of her peers much more. After all they speak her language, challenge her to try new things and are willing to sing the same song over and over again.
Our daughter is showing signs of being the next stage sensation with her rendition of Rolly Polly and Incy Wincy Spider being sung repeatdly and even in her sleep.
Daddy is about to undertake a big transition to find more work/family life balance. In December he will be changing jobs to work for a local hospital in their cancer department. He is really looking forward to putting his passion towards helping others while only being half an hour away from his girls.
October 26, 2011
When things are Up I am Down
The anaology that grief is like riding a roller coaster is so true. In the early days you measure progress in minutes, then hours than finally days.
2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks. I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home. The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult. What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out.
This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?
This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.
I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings. Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings.
2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks. I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home. The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult. What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out.
This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?
This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.
I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings. Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings.
October 19, 2011
I have a job
I have a new job- finally. I am working with an organization that supports families with an individual living with Autism spectrum Disorder.
Everything so far is going smoothly. They are very accommodating to my family life and offer lots of flexibility with the joint understanding that staff are professionals and value their career and employment with the organization.
After my first week of work, I knew in my heart this is where I should be and I need to be. The parents shared stories of regular life expediences their families were missing out on, such as pictures with Santa. I went home and shared these stories with DH and we unanimously knew that this was a good place for me to work as we understand too well what it is like to miss regular family experiences. We both want these families to have what we regularly miss with Harrison.
A dear friend of mine was instrumental in helping me secure this job as a reference. When I lost Harrison she was one of the few friends that could sort of understand what I was going through. She has never experienced extreme grief and I pray she will. Her youngest son has an ASD (Autism), her and her husband had to come to terms with his reality and limitations. She would look into his eyes would see a blank stare and would spend hours wondering who was behind those gorgeous baby boy eyes. She physically had her son but had to grieve who he could have be the same way I grieve for who Harrison could be. Her son, with lots of patience and dedication from her and his therapist has come along way with his communication and language skills. Many times she has told me how grateful she is for the services offered to support the family.
I am going to try my best to raise valuable funds to help families like my friend with the guidance and drive of Harrison.
Everything so far is going smoothly. They are very accommodating to my family life and offer lots of flexibility with the joint understanding that staff are professionals and value their career and employment with the organization.
After my first week of work, I knew in my heart this is where I should be and I need to be. The parents shared stories of regular life expediences their families were missing out on, such as pictures with Santa. I went home and shared these stories with DH and we unanimously knew that this was a good place for me to work as we understand too well what it is like to miss regular family experiences. We both want these families to have what we regularly miss with Harrison.
A dear friend of mine was instrumental in helping me secure this job as a reference. When I lost Harrison she was one of the few friends that could sort of understand what I was going through. She has never experienced extreme grief and I pray she will. Her youngest son has an ASD (Autism), her and her husband had to come to terms with his reality and limitations. She would look into his eyes would see a blank stare and would spend hours wondering who was behind those gorgeous baby boy eyes. She physically had her son but had to grieve who he could have be the same way I grieve for who Harrison could be. Her son, with lots of patience and dedication from her and his therapist has come along way with his communication and language skills. Many times she has told me how grateful she is for the services offered to support the family.
I am going to try my best to raise valuable funds to help families like my friend with the guidance and drive of Harrison.
October 15, 2011
September 20, 2011
Optimism
Optimists have a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade, and to then see the glass as half-full when it's half-empty. It's an admirable quality, one that can positively affect mental and physical health. Some optimists consistently ascribe benevolent motives to others and interpret situations in the best possible light, others simply disassociate their internal mood from external circumstances, no matter how sticky. Adding in a bit of complexity, the latest research shows that tempering a sunny disposition with a small dose of realism or even pessimism might be the best way to build resilience and achieve one's goals.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/optimism
Thank you Psychology Today for sharing that it is ok to have a tempered disposition. Today’s post was going to be a reminder to myself to be optimistic. I spent some time researching the definition of the word and its many interpretations. The result of my research is I really do think I am optimistic regardless of my situation. I believe that leaving my job will hopefully result in a better work/life balance. I believed that my second pregnancy would result in a beautiful outcome, and I am blessed. I am still trying hard to believe that a job offer will come at the eleventh hour and we will not need to relocate. I believe life will be clear sailing in my second half of life and I just need to get through this first half with my head held high. Another optomistic thing I do is to always make excuses for other drivers when they cut me off or when the check out lady is grumpy, they just must be having a rotten day and I should smile harder at them.
I just love the image I posted above. I am the big flying elephant without a harness reaching for the monkey (one of the symbols we associate with Harrison, his stone) whom is doing his best to reach out and give me faith that the leap was worth it and we will be together again. If an of you know where I could get a full size copy of the print I would love to frame it above my desk.
September 14, 2011
Baby Angel Army
Conversation about Babylost Blogging
by: uberangie
I came across these two videos and loved how my fellow blogger shared her feelings. Too often I feel that my friends and family feel the same way about my situation and have unfortunately made some pretty insensitive comments. The result has been I do not want to talk to them in fear of being judged and handling their insensitivity's.
This second video made me laugh from the irony and the direct language. This is a language that we ( babyloss fellows) do speak.
Babylost Conversation
by: uberangie
Credits to Uberangie's blog
by: uberangie
I came across these two videos and loved how my fellow blogger shared her feelings. Too often I feel that my friends and family feel the same way about my situation and have unfortunately made some pretty insensitive comments. The result has been I do not want to talk to them in fear of being judged and handling their insensitivity's.
This second video made me laugh from the irony and the direct language. This is a language that we ( babyloss fellows) do speak.
Babylost Conversation
by: uberangie
Credits to Uberangie's blog
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)