3 Years

It was 3 year's ago you came into our life. 3 Easter's ago we burried you and 2 Easter's ago we welcomed your sister.

Easter is such a bitter sweet day. 

As time passes less and less people understand our pain and care to help us through this horrible time.  It not only hurts to miss you but to feel so lonely in the world from the people who shared in your brief hours with us.  How dare they forget the sacred little boy I shared with them and allowed them to hold when I ached to never let him go. 

Reality is I am still angry and bitter. Mad that Harrison left me and mad that I no one wants to know me well enough to understand my pain.  If you happen to stumble across this post and realize we have drifted apart and I no longer try to connect with you, chances are you have probably greatly offended me and I tried to reach out to you and help you support me but I was brushed off or you made no efforts to acknowledge what was nearest and dearest to me and to make some accomodations for my grief.  My job was to survive.  I do not appologize for making anyone feel uncomfortable when I speak my son's name or share his picture all I asked was that you look into my eyes and see my love for my child.

Harrison, Daddy and I lit a candle for you sang you Happy Birthday and read you a bedtime story (which we will donate in your memory).  Because it was Easter we decided to embrace the special occasion and celebrate your birthday next week, after all this is what would have probably happened if you were still with us, you would have had your cake and special dinner on a different day and we will!

We love you so much and think about you non stop. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Fighting

I am fighting the depression that comes this time of year, its insanity and anger are growing inside of me.

All I want to do is to stay home and love my children but I have to go out into the non-understanding world and try hard to be normal, focused and keep my pain locked tight inside until 5pm.  At 5pm I get into my car and let the storm clouds errupt.

This pattern is exhausting and devestates me that I will repeat this series of events for the left of my life.  I think that is why 3 years is so hard. The reality that this is my new normal and that the pain is still as sharp. I am just a better actress at holding it together.

Time

Why does motherhood take away all your free time? 
Tonight I got off work an 45minutes early.
Ran some errands
Collected Elodie from daycare
Unpacked the dishwasher
Prepped dinner
Built a block tower or three
Went to the bank with Daddy
Ate dinner
Vaccuumed the floors that are constantly in need with all the salt and sand that is tracking in from inside
Decorated the house for valentines day
Bathed Elodie
Bed time routine
Contemplating between a TV night with DH or Yoga.

And I started work at 6am today.

Good Night

Only a mother says that

Thank goodness I am home alone (with the exception of Elodie) because sometimes I catch myself saying the oddest, weirds dumbest things. Things that only a mother would say!  Husband pointed out to me the other day that these inside comments to Elodie were starting to slip out of the house into the public world, oh gosh!

Today for example.

     "Did you poo in the cardboard box? "

Yes, she poo’ed in the card board box I gave her to colour and play with. She was having some pant free potty time and I guess she found a quiet private spot. On the positive side she came and got me to show me where she did it.

   “Good Girl for telling mommy you poo’ed in the box!”

   “Lets clean the tray and not the cracker.”
She was trying to wash the cheese off her crackers after I gave her the cloth to wipe apple sauce off her face.

Movember

This is how we finished our Christmas photos off. Undershirts and moustaches in support of Prostate Cancer. Next year Christmas pictures will be booked for December 1st.

Jump for Joy

Can she get any cuter, I think not. I love her to bits and can't stop smiling when I am with her.