My Mom is a Survivor

(author unknown)
My Mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom..
through Heaven's open door,
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forever more

But I know that doesn't help her
or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says..
no matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal!

Done

I am done! I am fed up with having to be pregnant. For 35 weeks I have carried her in my belly and managed my grief and the roller coaster of pregnancy emotions. My body is tired and I am physically in pain from my pelvic girdle (SPD). I feel that my strength and patience is wearing out on me. Why can’t the heavens see I have done my best and deliver me a live baby. She is alive and kicking inside of me. Why is it not possible to hand over the responsibility of keeping her alive to the professionals, I can’t handle this responsibility anymore.


I really need a break; I have carried two babies back to back, suffered the loss of my son and managed a household when my husband was too sick to find the strength to get out of bed for weeks. I selfishly want my body back. Most of all I just want a healthy baby in my arms.

Harrison's Corner

This is Harrison's special place in the home. It is just for him, no cat toys, no sibling belongings just a peaceful spot for Harrison. I can see this special corner every morning and night from my bed. It is in the centre of the home. When we first moved in we kicked ourselves for not making the linen closet larger and wondered what to do with this akward space. Now it is the perfect space.

Positivity Checks

I have been pretty pissy lately and that is not how I would like to define myself.  No matter how hard things get I really try to take a step back and see what is good and beautiful in life.

Yesterday after my last appointment with the high risk pregnancy specialist my my mom, DH and I went for lunch at one of my favourite Thai restaurants, Ivory Thailand.  Even though I was feeling pretty overwhelmed from the last few days and my appointment I can honestly say I had a delicious and enjoyable lunch.  Check, one positive thing from yesterday. 

Today I decided that my post here needed to be positive which I believe is another check for positivity!  As well I am going to bake some chocolate chip cookies to put away in the freezer to serve when baby girl Sprout arrives. I do enjoy baking, I do enjoy serving friends and I like being prepared therefor I will count this as a second check of  positivity today!

Soon I hope to be able to have a positive check mark beside each hour of my day.

I found this and will try my best to strive towards living by it.

11 months

11 months since we said hello

11 months since we said goodbye
11 months where your daddy and I have cried every day
11 months of the deep hurt and pain
11 months of sadness
11 months of missing you
11 months of why
11 months of should have and could have
11 months of trying
11 months of healing
11 months of keeping your memory alive
11 months of struggling
11 months of nightmares
11 months of feeling so alone
11 months of aching
11 months of anger
11 months of navigating
11 months of pure love

1 more month until we should be celebrating you’re first Birthday.

Daddy stayed home today, the pain of missing you was too unbearable to face the world.  We are going to go visit your grave again today.

Feeling Ugh

Ugh....!  On Tuesday night when I was serving dinner my back and pelvis froze.  Since Tuesday my back and just above my pelvis bone, under my belly, has been progressively getting more painful. A call to the midwife and a trip to the chiropractor confirmed it is SPD(symphysis pubis dysfunction), pelvic bone pain. My pelvis has relaxed too much and as a result put too much stress on the ligaments. As a result I am confined to my bed and couch.  I feel no discomfort while sitting or lying down so that is how I remain. 

I am just beyond frustrated that I am confined to home, I have so much more nesting to do and was looking forward to completing some projects.  My frustration has come out as anger to my poor DH.  I wish my shouting and crying would not cause him to shut down.

Today my sister took me for a delightful pedicure- it was nice to sit in the message chair for an hour.  Maybe I could go for a pedicure daily!!

I forgot to mention a friend dropped flowers off for me today which will help brighten the home.

5 more weeks

My patience is running out, I am tired of being pregnant! I want a baby in my arms! I believe I deserve a baby in my arms. I am 33.5 weeks pregnant and the thought that it will be another 5 weeks is agonizing. I know our little Sprout is healthy inside and kicking up a storm but I much rather have her in my arms causing a ruckus in our home.

After being pregnant so long and losing our precious Harrison I crave and honestly want the disruption a baby brings. I would love piles of laundry, spit up and poop. Sleepless nights from a crying baby would be a welcome noise in our house.