My Best Companion

(Kiara and I resting and waiting for Harrison)

My best friend is an unlike any other, she is my cat, Kiara. As odd as this may be to admit she has been my warmth and comfort these past few months and I feel the need to thank her. She has always been there for me when I have been beyond comfort and angry at the world. She makes it so hard to be angry when she brushes up against my leg or crawls up on me and brushes her cheek against mine. She lets me cry and allows the tears to fall off my face onto her. She watches the wet path of tears and I know she feels my pain.

As a matter of fact she is with me right now on my lap watching me type. I am never alone.

When my arms are longing to feel the warm weight of my child she crawls into them and falls asleep against me. For a brief moment I allow myself to imagine the warmth and the weight being my baby, I try hard to see his face and imagine how he would smell.

For hours we will sit together and day dream, greave and mourn. She does not ask for anything just nudges her body into mine or will reach her paw across me.

    “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart”
     -Ernest Menaul
    "When I'm in the doghouse, my cats still come to visit. --Unknown"

She thought all the baby stuff was hers!

These are My Footprints

This was posted on a mommy friend's blog that was shared with her by another grieving mommy.  It was so touching I needed share it and keep it close.

I am still navigating the world of blog and will need to learn how to ask and share resources.
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These are My Footprints

 "These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.


Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things.

 You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.

 You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.


You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

 Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."

 ~Anonymous

Sunday Mornings

What does Sunday morning mean to you? To DH and me it tends to be a slow lazy morning. However in the past few months Sunday mornings have become cemetery visiting day.

Since we have been married DH has been responsible for Sunday breakfast. “Waffies.!!!” He makes the best, so light and fluffy. (The secret is the Bob Mills 12 grain pancake and waffle mix) This has been a favoured tradition of ours. I often wake him up because my belly is hungry and I just can’t wait any longer. We each done our comfy bathrobes and make coffee and eat waffles.

A new event has become a tradition on Sundays, the cemetery visit. After filling our bellies we drive out to the country to visit Harrison. Harrison rests in a charming rural cemetery surrounded by family on my mother’s side. He rests at the feet of my beloved grandparents. My Great Grandma and Grandpa start off the row.

Often we stop at the dollar store to pick up an item to decorate his resting place. Items are seasonal and tasteful as to not offend my very conservative family members and the local farmers.

I missed this Sunday’s trip and my waffles. I had the stomach flu and was not able to leave my house. Breakfast was ginger ale and 2 soda crackers! I am feeling much better now.

On our trip last Sunday we went empty handed but not empty hearted. DH and I built Harrison his first snowman! He is a beautiful snowman. Three large balls, sticks for arms, sunglasses, pine cone nose and an evergreen smile. We had fun building him. He was a perfect snowman for our perfect son. I am so glad we got to play in the snow with Harrison.

Pregnancy Update

We had another one of our epic doctor's appointments this week.  We are 28 weeks pregnant.

The doctors are so pleased! Our lil girl is growing right on target.  She weighs approximately 1008 grams. (2.5lbs) and is in the 50 percentile for growth.  Not only is she growing perfectly my body seems to be doing exactly what it should be.

After countless ultrasounds for this pregnancy one would think I would be used to them, not at all, I still get very nervous.  The nurse was doing her monitoring and measuring then became quiet, she was looking for breathing movements.  Her quietness lasted too long for my comfort and I started to sweat and panic.  I thought I was going to faint. My mind did not know what to process or what to do.  Everything was fine, the baby was just taking a rest.  I wonder if this is a sign of how anxious I will be when she is born?  The baby scored a perfect 8 out 8!

I think this was the first time in the pregnancy that I was really concerned for her.  My concern is a good sign that we are growing more and more attached.  After this last appointment I am ready for her to be on the outside where I can watch and double check she is still alive. 

These next few weeks are going to be long ones.

Back from Holidays

Believe it or not it was just as cold in Florida as home.

The specialist recommended I get lots of fresh air and sunshine, no prob doc! A sunny vacation was planned....NOT.

Dh and I decided to venture out in the misleading sun for a walk to a coffee shop. We bundled up in our winter coats, hats, mitts and brought the camera for the obligatory beach and pool photo. We stood in front of the water fountain, flanked with palm trees huddled together for warmth and posed on the beach with coffee cups in hand, faces red from the sting of the cold ocean air.

Finally on our last day it warmed up. I had saved my trash/gossip magazines for my beach trip. In one day we lounged by the beach, the pool, swam, rode our bikes and ate ice cream. It was hard work to squeeze 7 days of warm vacation into a few hours!

The last time we visited Florida as a couple was April 2009, two weeks following Harrison's passing. Dh had 3 weeks of paternal leave and I was on 12 weeks of maternal leave from our jobs. Time and an unwelcome freedom. Dh always spoke of making the 22 hour drive down south. Who was I to stop a grieving father from accomplishing a goal.

It was so hard to leave our house, I still clung on to hope that I would wake up from my nightmare. I would accept someone knocking on my door and handing me my baby, no questions asked. (I still do have this fantasy) I hated being any further from his resting place and his belongings that filled our house. Regardless we packed our belongs and off we went.

We were going to document this trip as if it was no different than any other vacation. We took pictures of the temperature leaving home and another one once we reached our final destination. We did all those obligatory shots I talked about. We tried our hardest to smile, this is what our son would want. Looking back at those pictures our eyes tell no lies, we are broken and pained.

Getting away to the land of silver hair and snowbirds was great. There was no reminders of our sorrow, no one knew that we were the saddest people alive. We could talk about our feelings when we felt like it. We did not have to hear the numerous awkward condolences and put on our brave masks. It was just DH and I! We cried and we laughed, some times both emotions would come out together.

The drive back was hard, we were ready to come home but not ready to face our reality. As we approached home it felt like loads of brick were being piled on my chest.

The house was quiet, full of those horrible funeral arrangements with dropping leaves. Our mail box was not full of congratulations cards but the opposite. His room was empty just waiting for him to come home. 3 weeks into it and I was still in a fog.

Well we had sun, sand and an attempt at fun!

Vacation Time

We are off to Florida for the week. I will post more but right now need to pack. We have to be at the airport for 3:30am because of the new security laws.

I will tell you all about the last time DH and visited Florida, the week after Harrison passed, one of the best decisions we made at the time. Hopefully this visit will not stir up too many mixed emotions.

Bed time!