Are you warm enough son? Did we give you enough to play with? These questions plague me at times until the awful realization death is forever sinks in again. When he was born I did not want him to catch a chill, so on went his diaper, his diaper vest, his sleeper and his hat. Finally he was wrapped in two receiving blankets. To ensure he was not lonely he had two what we call “love flowers” and Sophie the Giraffe with him. The “love flowers” are simply plush stuffed flowers with faces. James won me one at Canada’s Wonderland and we always had it by the bed and to poke each other with and to smile down on us. I sent everyone looking for the flowers while I was in labour.
Before he was lowered into the ground I was assured by the funeral attendant that he had everything I gave him and was dressed and wrapped as I requested. It had been bothering me that he would have been in the autopsy room undressed, indignant and cold. The cold of winter upsets me for our visits are cut short and how cold his little body must be.
I would like it to warm up again to feel the warm sun on all of us when we go visit. Our next visit I will be giving him a stuffed red rose love flower.
January 27, 2011
January 14, 2011
Pink Blueberry Photography
Thank You Lana, from Pink Blueberry Photography. You are an amazing friend with far too many talents to list off.
You have held me up when I could not and you have shown me the my inner light.
January 13, 2011
Boy o boy I want a boy
I made a heavy realization the other night. I am consumed by wanting a boy.
Friends and family have observed the lack of pink and plush around my home. E does have a tendency to play more male activities. I can easily justify both of these observations.
a) I have invested in gender neutral baby items in order to share them amongst siblings
b) I can't influence my daughters interest in her activities as she is too young
(her favourite toys are Dumpy the Dump truck and her hammer)
However the other night I sat back and thought about it. E was sleeping and DH was out working late which left me some peaceful time to sit down and have a drink and bask in the silence. This pause in my day brought out a flood or tears and feelings that had not been purged in a few weeks with the chaos of our household these last few weeks. (Dh taking courses, studying, working late and E had been sick). Maybe the truth was/is I want a boy so badly I subconsciously gravitate towards more male activities and items.
It is true that I often think of names for my next boy and imagine toy cars underfoot and perhaps I don't do this for my next girl, ok I don't at all. If I were to become pregnant again it had to be a boy! The rational me knows this is beyond my control. The emotional me would be devastated if I was not given my boy. I feel entitled and owed a boy. At that very moment I was terrified to be pregnant again and to give birth to another girl and wondered if these inner feelings have been robbing my daughter of a variety of game playing and toys.
I had a talk with Dh about this and he put me to rest that I was not harming our daughter, he feels that I am more naturally drawn to the less girlie games and activities and in fact I do give E girlie items when they are hers exclusively such as stuffed animals and clothing. So that's one fear taken care of, leaving just my strong desire to have a boy.
The emotional impact of this event never dies, when I think I am on the road to normal again another hidden fear emerges.
Friends and family have observed the lack of pink and plush around my home. E does have a tendency to play more male activities. I can easily justify both of these observations.
a) I have invested in gender neutral baby items in order to share them amongst siblings
b) I can't influence my daughters interest in her activities as she is too young
(her favourite toys are Dumpy the Dump truck and her hammer)
However the other night I sat back and thought about it. E was sleeping and DH was out working late which left me some peaceful time to sit down and have a drink and bask in the silence. This pause in my day brought out a flood or tears and feelings that had not been purged in a few weeks with the chaos of our household these last few weeks. (Dh taking courses, studying, working late and E had been sick). Maybe the truth was/is I want a boy so badly I subconsciously gravitate towards more male activities and items.
It is true that I often think of names for my next boy and imagine toy cars underfoot and perhaps I don't do this for my next girl, ok I don't at all. If I were to become pregnant again it had to be a boy! The rational me knows this is beyond my control. The emotional me would be devastated if I was not given my boy. I feel entitled and owed a boy. At that very moment I was terrified to be pregnant again and to give birth to another girl and wondered if these inner feelings have been robbing my daughter of a variety of game playing and toys.
I had a talk with Dh about this and he put me to rest that I was not harming our daughter, he feels that I am more naturally drawn to the less girlie games and activities and in fact I do give E girlie items when they are hers exclusively such as stuffed animals and clothing. So that's one fear taken care of, leaving just my strong desire to have a boy.
The emotional impact of this event never dies, when I think I am on the road to normal again another hidden fear emerges.
January 5, 2011
December 31, 2010
End of a Year
Ahhh...sigh of relief that this year is over. It has not been easy but it has been easier.
This may be a time of reflection for some but for me it really is just another night. Chances are we will all be in bed by 10pm.
Happy New Year friends and family.
Happy New Year son, love you. It is unfortunate the town cancelled the fire works tonight, I enjoy watching them with you. Enjoy all the shows from above. See you in my dreams.
This may be a time of reflection for some but for me it really is just another night. Chances are we will all be in bed by 10pm.
Happy New Year friends and family.
Happy New Year son, love you. It is unfortunate the town cancelled the fire works tonight, I enjoy watching them with you. Enjoy all the shows from above. See you in my dreams.
December 22, 2010
In and Out
Elodie has blessed us for 38 weeks.
She has officially been outside of me for as long as she was in me.
Each week and day as a pregnant woman I marvelled at how my baby was developing but even more incredible is watching my helpless infant grow into a little lady.
My lack of postings are caused by my mobile child. Elodie started crawling over a month ago and started pulling herself up around the same time. Her legs are gaining strength daily and she moves around so quickly. The thought of stopping to eat or sleep do not seem to be high up on her value scale which leaves mom chasing and entertaining. She loves to crawl between chair legs and stand under tables, play with the dials on the electronics and of course chase the cats. The fridge, dishwasher, cupboard doors, sliding glass doors and all windows are constantly marked with hand prints and goober. The stroller seems to be used more as a walker then its intended purpose.
The irony of today is she is held against me in the fetal position in her Moby as she has her first cold. As difficult as it is to have her sick its so nice to have her cuddled up against my chest and belly once again.
Kemayla
In my parallel universe we would be gearing up to start potty training Harrison over the holidays. We would pulling out the same Green Potty I had when I was potty trained. Maybe he would even get his first pair of Superman underwear and some shorts to match his Dad.
It is such a beautiful dream.
She has officially been outside of me for as long as she was in me.
Each week and day as a pregnant woman I marvelled at how my baby was developing but even more incredible is watching my helpless infant grow into a little lady.
My lack of postings are caused by my mobile child. Elodie started crawling over a month ago and started pulling herself up around the same time. Her legs are gaining strength daily and she moves around so quickly. The thought of stopping to eat or sleep do not seem to be high up on her value scale which leaves mom chasing and entertaining. She loves to crawl between chair legs and stand under tables, play with the dials on the electronics and of course chase the cats. The fridge, dishwasher, cupboard doors, sliding glass doors and all windows are constantly marked with hand prints and goober. The stroller seems to be used more as a walker then its intended purpose.
The irony of today is she is held against me in the fetal position in her Moby as she has her first cold. As difficult as it is to have her sick its so nice to have her cuddled up against my chest and belly once again.
Kemayla
In my parallel universe we would be gearing up to start potty training Harrison over the holidays. We would pulling out the same Green Potty I had when I was potty trained. Maybe he would even get his first pair of Superman underwear and some shorts to match his Dad.
It is such a beautiful dream.
November 25, 2010
Birthday Proof
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