When things are Up I am Down

The anaology that grief is like riding a roller coaster is so true.  In the early days you measure progress in minutes, then hours than finally days. 

2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks.  I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home.  The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult.  What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out. 

This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?

This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.

I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings.  Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings. 

I have a job

I have a new job- finally. I am working with an organization that supports families with an individual living with Autism spectrum Disorder.

Everything so far is going smoothly. They are very accommodating to my family life and offer lots of flexibility with the joint understanding that staff are professionals and value their career and employment with the organization.

After my first week of work, I knew in my heart this is where I should be and I need to be.  The parents shared stories of regular life expediences their families were missing out on, such as pictures with Santa.  I went home and shared these stories with DH and we unanimously knew that this was a good place for me to work as we understand too well what it is like to miss regular family experiences.  We both want these  families to have what we regularly miss with Harrison.

A dear friend of mine was instrumental in helping me secure this job as a reference.  When I lost Harrison she was one of the few friends that could sort of understand what I was going through.  She has never experienced extreme grief and I pray she will.  Her youngest son has an ASD (Autism),  her and her husband had to come to terms with his reality and limitations.  She would look into his eyes would see a blank stare and would spend hours wondering who was behind those gorgeous baby boy eyes.  She physically had her son but had to grieve who he could have be the same way I grieve for who Harrison could be.  Her son, with lots of patience and dedication from her and his therapist has come along way with his communication and language skills.  Many times she has told me how grateful she is for the services offered to support the family.

I am going to try my best to raise valuable funds to help families like my friend with the guidance and drive of Harrison.

We are thinking of all the babies gone to soon from their parents arms. 

Hopeful Mama

Optimism

Optimists have a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade, and to then see the glass as half-full when it's half-empty. It's an admirable quality, one that can positively affect mental and physical health. Some optimists consistently ascribe benevolent motives to others and interpret situations in the best possible light, others simply disassociate their internal mood from external circumstances, no matter how sticky. Adding in a bit of complexity, the latest research shows that tempering a sunny disposition with a small dose of realism or even pessimism might be the best way to build resilience and achieve one's goals.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/optimism

Thank you Psychology Today for sharing that it is ok to have a tempered disposition. Today’s post was going to be a reminder to myself to be optimistic. I spent some time researching the definition of the word and its many interpretations. The result of my research is I really do think I am optimistic regardless of my situation. I believe that leaving my job will hopefully result in a better work/life balance. I believed that my second pregnancy would result in a beautiful outcome, and I am blessed. I am still trying hard to believe that a job offer will come at the eleventh hour and we will not need to relocate. I believe life will be clear sailing in my second half of life and I just need to get through this first half with my head held high. Another optomistic thing I do is to always make excuses for other drivers when they cut me off or when the check out lady is grumpy, they just must be having a rotten day and I should smile harder at them.

I just love the image I posted above. I am the big flying elephant without a harness reaching for the monkey (one of the symbols we associate with Harrison, his stone) whom is doing his best to reach out and give me faith that the leap was worth it and we will be together again.  If an of you know where I could get a full size copy of the print I would love to frame it above my desk.

Baby Angel Army

Conversation about Babylost Blogging
by: uberangie


I came across these two videos and loved how my fellow blogger shared her feelings. Too often I feel that my friends and family feel the same way about my situation and have unfortunately made some pretty insensitive comments.  The result has been I do not want to talk to them in fear of being judged and handling their insensitivity's. 

This second video made me laugh from the irony and the direct language. This is a language that we ( babyloss fellows) do speak. 


Babylost Conversation
by: uberangie



Credits to Uberangie's blog

Lumpai

Life for me is not all about moaning and groaning. Its true I have a lot to complain about these day (no job, child loss, house may be sold) but there is more to me, really! Since this blog is about living life I thought I would share a fun recipe I make for my family. Lumpia which is basically an egg roll from the Philippines.

I enjoy this recipe because you can not go wrong and you can toss in whatever ingredients you wish for a fun economical meal.

Ingredients:

Vermicelli nests

Boiling Water

Soak Vermicelli in boiling water according to package directions

1 Onion

Package of Ground Meat ( I used turkey)

1 Cup of Frozen cut Green Beans

2 Cups of Grated Carrot (give or take)

Pepper to taste

Soy Sauce

1 Egg

1 Package of Egg Roll Wrappers
(feel free to add garlic, ginger, oyster sauce, plum sauce..you get the idea...season how you wish)

Fry everything together until meat is fully cooked (Go ahead dump in anything) Add chopped up cooked vermicelli

Combine some Cornstarch and water in a small dish to use as a glue on your wrappers

Place 1/4 of mixture on wraper

Roll them up, glue down the edges with cornstarch and water mixture.

Fry them up with a small amount of cooking spray or oil.

Serve with a dipping sauce.

Suggested Sauce
Brown Sauce
3/4 Cup of Water
1 Tbsp Cornstarch
1/4 Cup of White sugar
3 Tbsp of Oyster Sauce
2 Tbsp of Lemon Juice
1/4 tsp of Garlic Powder
1 tsp of Beef Bouillon Powder

Combine in sauce pan. Heat and stir until boiling.

Or make your favourite peanut dipping sauce.

Back to School

A had a mini melt down yesterday while pushing the stroller.  The school kids were getting off the bus and the mothers were all anxiously waiting to apprehensively and hoping their kids had a good first day.  I had to duck down and dry my eyes before I excused myself and the stroller through the crowd.  Even though I am blessed to have a child it still hurts me to see all the opportunities and milestones I will be missing with my son.

Last year I was quite down about the first day of school and I shared it with some people and they were a bit confused how I could feel this way as one day too soon Elodie and I will experience the separation of her going off to school.  I wish people would understand that it has nothing to do with her, I know I will have that day with her but I should also be having that day first with him to ease my anxiety of sending her to school later on.  I wish more people would understand that she has nothing to do with my feelings of missing him. The experiences with her do not replace what I have missed with him, these experience are unique to her as they would have been uniquely his.