The Week Before Easter (2009)

The Monday before Easter weekend, DH had stayed home from work to visit the doctors with me. First thing that unforgettable morning I parted the blinds to see that it has snowed, everything was covered in a soft blanket of white. It had snowed in April! DH rolled his eyes and said he did not want his son born on a snowy day as he had imagined it to be bright and warm, where as I loved the idea that it would be a memorable day. Little did I know that morning, I would never forget how that day unfolded. He was not born this day; this is the day it was confirmed he had died.


The next few days you could taste spring in the air and the ground was damp. Life was not budding in our home. On the Saturday of Easter weekend we buried our first child.

I really hope to bring life back into this Easter.

Eviction Notice Posted

We are term! 37 weeks today. Here is a shot of her cute lil foot that will hopefully kick its way out so she can be held by her mommy and daddy who are beyond anxious for her arrival.

EVICTION NOTICE
Date: March 27, 2010

To: Miss Spout

To the above tenant in possession of below described premises:

I am issuing 8 day notice for EVICTION. You will have 13 days in which you can either gather your belongings and promptly vacate the premises, or wait until the final day. After which, you will be physically removed from the property.

You are being evicted due to breech of contract and destruction of property. Expansions only to the FRONT of the house, within reasonable limits, were discussed. Not only have these limits been exceeded, but additions to the back of the house were also made!

Remodeling and gutting of the home was never approved, nor was changing the initial layout and base structure. And due to property damage, there are now leaks in both the upper AND lower levels of the home. On top of which, the landlord has received numerous complaints about nightly disturbances.

After 8 days from this day that you don't comply with the notice will result in immediate and forceful removal at my discretion.

Thank you for your cooperation

Love,
Mommy

His Stone

On the weekend DH and I finally went and placed the order for Harrison’s grave marker. We had discussed the marker and visited the supplier but could not both agree on how to personalize the monument. The stone is so very important to us as it will be the only public marking that shows he existed. Because he never took a breath there is no record of who Harrison was, no birth certificate, no death certificate not even a legal document of stillbirth naming him.


The wording on the stone brought up a lot of grieving differences DH and I have. DH sees him as his baby forever where as I want him to grow up and mature. DH loves the song from Robert Munsch; Love you Forever. The song

“I'll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I am living my baby you will be.”

Mr. Munch wrote this song in honour of his two stillborn children. DH and I both love the sentiments of the book and chose to inscribe “I’ll love you forever, I‘ll like you for always” on his stone. At my request we did not include the final two lines because it did not fit our personal beliefs.

The final personalization of the stone was a monkey; we referred to Harrison as our lil monkey! He was given a few stuffed monkeys before birth and we always imagined him being an active lil man climbing and jumping. A dear friend of DH drew us a monkey that fit both what DH and I had in mind.

We had to personally deliver the design to the stone maker which completely dumbfounded DH who works in information technology as to why the memorial place did not have an e-mail or a website. At the visit DH offered to send him the drawing in .jpg format so he could manipulate them, again the electronic version was turned down. The following morning it dawned on me as to why this industry did not make proper use of technology. The majority of cliental do no work with computers. We were using a service too soon in our lives with our modern day expectations. The death of a child and the experience of the parents are so out of life’s organized plan and this was just another reminder.
Placing the order for his stone has given me some needed peace and ability to move forward to welcome Sprout.

Craft

My recent project to welcome our darling daughter to our home are some cherry blossom branches crafted from origami vellum flowers.  The branches are potted in a vase with pink butterflies as many parents of infant loss know symbolise our children.  I think these are a beautiful tribute to Harrison to welcome our daughter this spring.

Why the Cherry Blossom?
Shortly after Harrison passed and I realized life did not stop the cherry blossom's came into bloom. The cherry blossom symbolise's the ephermal nature of life and beauty which is how Harrison's passing feels to me.

The Decision

We got the news that we will be delivering via c-section. Lil Miss Sprout is as stubborn as can be and will not turn, she is frank breech. On April 2nd, 2010 at 8am I have an operating room booked with my name on it. I have spent much of this week coming to terms with having surgery and accepting that again I will not have the birth experienced I had hoped for.

The decision to book a c-section was not a welcome one in our home. We have known she is breech for a few weeks and have tried a variety of techniques to get her to turn; hips higher than my head, flash light at the bottom of my belly, Dh/daddy reading to her from below, acupuncture/moxibustion and the power of thought. The only other option was ECV, which is turning her from outside which comes with many risks and discomforts to both Sprout and myself.

Day by day I have come to gradually accept this is our fate and the safest way to welcome our daughter into the world. Thank you to everyone who has helped me come to terms with this decision.

With a date set the reality that we are going to have a baby (hopefully) is becoming more real. With this reality comes a list a mile long of household chores, which explains why I have not been posting very much lately. So if I am not around you can guess that I am finishing off projects that were left incomplete from a year where we had very little motivation and energy to face much of anything.

My Mom is a Survivor

(author unknown)
My Mom is a survivor,

or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom..
through Heaven's open door,
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forever more

But I know that doesn't help her
or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her...
And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says..
no matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal!

Done

I am done! I am fed up with having to be pregnant. For 35 weeks I have carried her in my belly and managed my grief and the roller coaster of pregnancy emotions. My body is tired and I am physically in pain from my pelvic girdle (SPD). I feel that my strength and patience is wearing out on me. Why can’t the heavens see I have done my best and deliver me a live baby. She is alive and kicking inside of me. Why is it not possible to hand over the responsibility of keeping her alive to the professionals, I can’t handle this responsibility anymore.


I really need a break; I have carried two babies back to back, suffered the loss of my son and managed a household when my husband was too sick to find the strength to get out of bed for weeks. I selfishly want my body back. Most of all I just want a healthy baby in my arms.

Harrison's Corner

This is Harrison's special place in the home. It is just for him, no cat toys, no sibling belongings just a peaceful spot for Harrison. I can see this special corner every morning and night from my bed. It is in the centre of the home. When we first moved in we kicked ourselves for not making the linen closet larger and wondered what to do with this akward space. Now it is the perfect space.

Positivity Checks

I have been pretty pissy lately and that is not how I would like to define myself.  No matter how hard things get I really try to take a step back and see what is good and beautiful in life.

Yesterday after my last appointment with the high risk pregnancy specialist my my mom, DH and I went for lunch at one of my favourite Thai restaurants, Ivory Thailand.  Even though I was feeling pretty overwhelmed from the last few days and my appointment I can honestly say I had a delicious and enjoyable lunch.  Check, one positive thing from yesterday. 

Today I decided that my post here needed to be positive which I believe is another check for positivity!  As well I am going to bake some chocolate chip cookies to put away in the freezer to serve when baby girl Sprout arrives. I do enjoy baking, I do enjoy serving friends and I like being prepared therefor I will count this as a second check of  positivity today!

Soon I hope to be able to have a positive check mark beside each hour of my day.

I found this and will try my best to strive towards living by it.

11 months

11 months since we said hello

11 months since we said goodbye
11 months where your daddy and I have cried every day
11 months of the deep hurt and pain
11 months of sadness
11 months of missing you
11 months of why
11 months of should have and could have
11 months of trying
11 months of healing
11 months of keeping your memory alive
11 months of struggling
11 months of nightmares
11 months of feeling so alone
11 months of aching
11 months of anger
11 months of navigating
11 months of pure love

1 more month until we should be celebrating you’re first Birthday.

Daddy stayed home today, the pain of missing you was too unbearable to face the world.  We are going to go visit your grave again today.

Feeling Ugh

Ugh....!  On Tuesday night when I was serving dinner my back and pelvis froze.  Since Tuesday my back and just above my pelvis bone, under my belly, has been progressively getting more painful. A call to the midwife and a trip to the chiropractor confirmed it is SPD(symphysis pubis dysfunction), pelvic bone pain. My pelvis has relaxed too much and as a result put too much stress on the ligaments. As a result I am confined to my bed and couch.  I feel no discomfort while sitting or lying down so that is how I remain. 

I am just beyond frustrated that I am confined to home, I have so much more nesting to do and was looking forward to completing some projects.  My frustration has come out as anger to my poor DH.  I wish my shouting and crying would not cause him to shut down.

Today my sister took me for a delightful pedicure- it was nice to sit in the message chair for an hour.  Maybe I could go for a pedicure daily!!

I forgot to mention a friend dropped flowers off for me today which will help brighten the home.

5 more weeks

My patience is running out, I am tired of being pregnant! I want a baby in my arms! I believe I deserve a baby in my arms. I am 33.5 weeks pregnant and the thought that it will be another 5 weeks is agonizing. I know our little Sprout is healthy inside and kicking up a storm but I much rather have her in my arms causing a ruckus in our home.

After being pregnant so long and losing our precious Harrison I crave and honestly want the disruption a baby brings. I would love piles of laundry, spit up and poop. Sleepless nights from a crying baby would be a welcome noise in our house.