Job Hunt

It has been a week and half since I left work as my employer phrased it as a "mutual departure".  The first few days I was optomistic that this was for the best.  I would find a job closer to home with more pay.  This way I could afford the second car we desperately need and manage my life as a mother, wife and employee.

A few decent job have come up and I have applied but I have not heard back. I realize it is early in the game but I am sensitive to rejection.  Why can't someone call?  I need some reassurance that I am valued and wanted.

Rejection has always been something I have suffered with and the death of Harrison has hightened those feelings.  I am trying my best not to get in a funk that my work did not value me enough to keep me, that other employers arn't knocking my door down. I too need to work on the feelings that I deserve something good to happen and for life to be an easy sail. As we know it keeps proving to me that is not the case for DH and I. Life is hard work and finding happiness is even harder work.

So, not only am I looking for a job I am working on keeping some bad feelings out of the way and staying happy.

2nd Birthday

I am trying so hard to be happy, after all it is his second Birthday. The word Birthday always follows the word Happy.  But I am so sad and I hurt.  I have missed so of his life and I question if he knows me from heaven.

I love him so much. He is so much apart of me.  I wish and pray that we had more time.

Happy 2nd Birthday son. I love you and just want to hold you close today and everyday.

Fire Trucks and Dalmations

Last night we took a trip out to the party store for our little man's 2nd Birthday.  I had tried to shop on my own but could not handle it and James wanted to be apart of the process.  Initially we were going to a Cars the movie theme but neither of have us has watched the movie. We even had to Google who Lightning McQueen is.  Then it struck, Firetrucks! Big bright and loud the perfect combination for a 2 year old.  Surprisingly enough James and I had a similar image of his party in mind. We wanted the theme package complete with a plastic table cloth, James splurged for dangling firetruck streamers.  The dinner is based on our favourites of pizza and ice cream cake served on firetruck paper plates.

The next item on the list is gifts (books to donate to our cottage library) and a Birthday card. The Birthday card is the challenging item.  Hallmark and Carlton are keen on mentioning how busy little boys are and how much trouble they get into, none of them seem to fit the occasion but will do our best.

Decorations
Cake
Pizza
Balloons
Gifts
Cards
..........Check!

Birthday Boy?

Accept Me

Please accept my moods right now, I am under a lot of stress.  Excuse me when I snap, or am moody or short. I am doing my best and I reserve the greatest efforts for my daughter's care.

It is two weeks away from his Birthday. Are we celebrating a birth or his death-aversary. We are so confused and again I repeat trying our best.

Split Second

The last two Birthdays I have been pregnant and waiting to hold a baby in my arms.
Last night I savoured every second of rocking my beautiful baby girl to sleep.
For a split second everything felt ok.

Birthdays

Tomorrow is my Birthday and I should be happy but the celebration of Birthdays brings me so much pain.  Three weeks before Harrison's due date was my B I G 30th Birthday.  My friends were geared up for a party and I was geared up to explode.  I was so excited to have the biggest life changing event of my life coincide with a new decade in my life.  My 30's were going to be about family and children.  I told everyone how I would love to share the spotlight of my Birthday with my pregnancy and even do a party/shower.  I don't think anyone understood.  The month prior I had my shower and I would have my 30th Birthday with friends.  I posed my big pregnant belly with my cake, I wanted the baby to be apart of the celebration. 



Sorry don't know why it wont turn



Birthdays since have not been the same for me or me participating in them.  The Birthday song sends me to the next room crying as he would never get to be the center of attention and honestly I still can't find a good reason to celebrate birth when it was the most devastating moment of my life.  I avoid friends Birthdays because I don't want to celebrate. 

Friends and family want to celebrate with me tomorrow and I don't want to.  The day brings forward the feelings I had on my 30th and the aftershocks ripple through me.

Friends, family please give me this day to feel sorry for myself and reminisce about how I felt carrying him inside of me.  Don't wish me a happy day because it is not anymore.

Where am I?

What has been going on with us?

We are tackling a basement renovation that we are trying our best to do ourselves.  From 7pm to 10:30pm we work on putting Elodie to bed and framing a basement.

James has been working crazy hours and trying to juggle the responsibilities of family life and a new job.

James has been studying when not working on the basement or called away from home for work.

I have trying my best to squeeze two work outs in a week after Elodie is in bed.

We have been dealing with a stressful family situation with the in laws that has been taking a lot of our energy and causing loads of stress.

With James so tied up it leaves me with a lot of responsibilities around the home and tending to Elodie. In turn very little time for me.


So...my friends I am sorry I have been negligent at posting more often. 
Son, I love you very much. Even though we have not visited you very much we have been putting family first and I know that is what you want.