Visits to the Cemetary
Elodie sleep on the car ride up
We either leave her in the car to sleep or she wakes up once the car's motion is halted
We clean the grass off the stones in our family's row
We trim the grass back around the decorations
We spiffy up the decoration.
We walk around and see if anyone new has joined our son.
We play a game with Elodie between the stones, today was hide and seek
We say our goodbyes
I lie down over him and send him kisses and cry.
I cry the whole ride home.
Repeat again next week.
June 11, 2011
June 8, 2011
Pretty Girl
Why do I love this picture beyond the obvious? She is doing a facial expression I would do as a child, which makes this one of the very few things that she does like Mom. She is looks like DH and takes after him.
June 2, 2011
Continuing Anger
I am still so angry, I feel so dirty and awful inside for all the anger that I can't let go. My anger is two fold, I am angry at myself and at my sweet baby boy.
Son, why did you leave me? Was I not good enough to be your mommy? Did I do something wrong? I wish so hard you would have given me the chance to show you my love.
Myself, how did you let this happen? How is your husband ever supposed to look at you the same way you failed in your duty to bring him a son.
What I have never told anyone because its too painful for me to admit to is I think I could have saved him. I was involved in a small car accident; a rear ending, nothing too bad but shook me up that the mundane activity of driving in traffic to work could harm my baby. After the bump I went in for a Non-Stress Test (NST) and everything checked out fine. I felt I was being paranoid because it was not a big deal the accident, the baby would only have felt my heart race. I was offered an ultra-sound which I declined because I was trying to keep the testing to a minimum. GOD was I so dumb, they would have seen you were in trouble and gotten you out of me. I keep thinking the accident was not an accident but an intervention and an external call for help. I could have saved you but now I need to live with the guilt that I was too passive and trusting in myself. I hate myself for this.
Its so hard to share these thoughts with friend and family. I know their reaction would be a look of horror that I think this way followed by so many reassuring lines that it was nothing I did and no one knew that outcome. I don't want or deserve reassurance. I want to know how to live with this.
Son, why did you leave me? Was I not good enough to be your mommy? Did I do something wrong? I wish so hard you would have given me the chance to show you my love.
Myself, how did you let this happen? How is your husband ever supposed to look at you the same way you failed in your duty to bring him a son.
What I have never told anyone because its too painful for me to admit to is I think I could have saved him. I was involved in a small car accident; a rear ending, nothing too bad but shook me up that the mundane activity of driving in traffic to work could harm my baby. After the bump I went in for a Non-Stress Test (NST) and everything checked out fine. I felt I was being paranoid because it was not a big deal the accident, the baby would only have felt my heart race. I was offered an ultra-sound which I declined because I was trying to keep the testing to a minimum. GOD was I so dumb, they would have seen you were in trouble and gotten you out of me. I keep thinking the accident was not an accident but an intervention and an external call for help. I could have saved you but now I need to live with the guilt that I was too passive and trusting in myself. I hate myself for this.
Its so hard to share these thoughts with friend and family. I know their reaction would be a look of horror that I think this way followed by so many reassuring lines that it was nothing I did and no one knew that outcome. I don't want or deserve reassurance. I want to know how to live with this.
May 12, 2011
You Make me so Happy I Cry
I love my baby girl so much, she is the funniest and sweetest thing to bless this family. She does the most comical inquisitive things and I can and do spend hours watching her. More often than not she makes me laugh outloud which brings on a big sweeping gush of love. However, these gushes are followed by intense sadness and guilt. Harrison would have given me these same moments, he was to be the one to introduce me to the joys of parenthood. I don't feel my love for him the same as I do for her and its not fair to him. The thought of her brings me joy and smiles meanwhile the thought of him brings me pain and sadness.
Perhaps, had this not happened to my first born I would have understood parenthood better and would not have to live through the pains of all those first parenthood moments that are supposed to be so wonderful? If he was my second I would not have been robbed of parenting newby-ness, maybe then I would not cry and be heart broken everytime my daughter discovers something new and wonderful about this world?
Two years later and I still don't get it.
I love both my children intensly but the feeling of love comes out so diffrently. I wish my love for my son could be the same loving feeling I get for my daughter. I wish I could fully feel the joy and magic of her childhood without the nagging feeling I missed out.
Perhaps, had this not happened to my first born I would have understood parenthood better and would not have to live through the pains of all those first parenthood moments that are supposed to be so wonderful? If he was my second I would not have been robbed of parenting newby-ness, maybe then I would not cry and be heart broken everytime my daughter discovers something new and wonderful about this world?
Two years later and I still don't get it.
I love both my children intensly but the feeling of love comes out so diffrently. I wish my love for my son could be the same loving feeling I get for my daughter. I wish I could fully feel the joy and magic of her childhood without the nagging feeling I missed out.
April 28, 2011
Job Hunt
It has been a week and half since I left work as my employer phrased it as a "mutual departure". The first few days I was optomistic that this was for the best. I would find a job closer to home with more pay. This way I could afford the second car we desperately need and manage my life as a mother, wife and employee.
A few decent job have come up and I have applied but I have not heard back. I realize it is early in the game but I am sensitive to rejection. Why can't someone call? I need some reassurance that I am valued and wanted.
Rejection has always been something I have suffered with and the death of Harrison has hightened those feelings. I am trying my best not to get in a funk that my work did not value me enough to keep me, that other employers arn't knocking my door down. I too need to work on the feelings that I deserve something good to happen and for life to be an easy sail. As we know it keeps proving to me that is not the case for DH and I. Life is hard work and finding happiness is even harder work.
So, not only am I looking for a job I am working on keeping some bad feelings out of the way and staying happy.
A few decent job have come up and I have applied but I have not heard back. I realize it is early in the game but I am sensitive to rejection. Why can't someone call? I need some reassurance that I am valued and wanted.
Rejection has always been something I have suffered with and the death of Harrison has hightened those feelings. I am trying my best not to get in a funk that my work did not value me enough to keep me, that other employers arn't knocking my door down. I too need to work on the feelings that I deserve something good to happen and for life to be an easy sail. As we know it keeps proving to me that is not the case for DH and I. Life is hard work and finding happiness is even harder work.
So, not only am I looking for a job I am working on keeping some bad feelings out of the way and staying happy.
April 8, 2011
2nd Birthday
I am trying so hard to be happy, after all it is his second Birthday. The word Birthday always follows the word Happy. But I am so sad and I hurt. I have missed so of his life and I question if he knows me from heaven.
I love him so much. He is so much apart of me. I wish and pray that we had more time.
Happy 2nd Birthday son. I love you and just want to hold you close today and everyday.
I love him so much. He is so much apart of me. I wish and pray that we had more time.
Happy 2nd Birthday son. I love you and just want to hold you close today and everyday.
April 1, 2011
Fire Trucks and Dalmations
Last night we took a trip out to the party store for our little man's 2nd Birthday. I had tried to shop on my own but could not handle it and James wanted to be apart of the process. Initially we were going to a Cars the movie theme but neither of have us has watched the movie. We even had to Google who Lightning McQueen is. Then it struck, Firetrucks! Big bright and loud the perfect combination for a 2 year old. Surprisingly enough James and I had a similar image of his party in mind. We wanted the theme package complete with a plastic table cloth, James splurged for dangling firetruck streamers. The dinner is based on our favourites of pizza and ice cream cake served on firetruck paper plates.
The next item on the list is gifts (books to donate to our cottage library) and a Birthday card. The Birthday card is the challenging item. Hallmark and Carlton are keen on mentioning how busy little boys are and how much trouble they get into, none of them seem to fit the occasion but will do our best.
Decorations
Cake
Pizza
Balloons
Gifts
Cards
..........Check!
Birthday Boy?
The next item on the list is gifts (books to donate to our cottage library) and a Birthday card. The Birthday card is the challenging item. Hallmark and Carlton are keen on mentioning how busy little boys are and how much trouble they get into, none of them seem to fit the occasion but will do our best.
Decorations
Cake
Pizza
Balloons
Gifts
Cards
..........Check!
Birthday Boy?
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