3 Years

It was 3 year's ago you came into our life. 3 Easter's ago we burried you and 2 Easter's ago we welcomed your sister.

Easter is such a bitter sweet day. 

As time passes less and less people understand our pain and care to help us through this horrible time.  It not only hurts to miss you but to feel so lonely in the world from the people who shared in your brief hours with us.  How dare they forget the sacred little boy I shared with them and allowed them to hold when I ached to never let him go. 

Reality is I am still angry and bitter. Mad that Harrison left me and mad that I no one wants to know me well enough to understand my pain.  If you happen to stumble across this post and realize we have drifted apart and I no longer try to connect with you, chances are you have probably greatly offended me and I tried to reach out to you and help you support me but I was brushed off or you made no efforts to acknowledge what was nearest and dearest to me and to make some accomodations for my grief.  My job was to survive.  I do not appologize for making anyone feel uncomfortable when I speak my son's name or share his picture all I asked was that you look into my eyes and see my love for my child.

Harrison, Daddy and I lit a candle for you sang you Happy Birthday and read you a bedtime story (which we will donate in your memory).  Because it was Easter we decided to embrace the special occasion and celebrate your birthday next week, after all this is what would have probably happened if you were still with us, you would have had your cake and special dinner on a different day and we will!

We love you so much and think about you non stop. 

Happy 3rd Birthday.

Fighting

I am fighting the depression that comes this time of year, its insanity and anger are growing inside of me.

All I want to do is to stay home and love my children but I have to go out into the non-understanding world and try hard to be normal, focused and keep my pain locked tight inside until 5pm.  At 5pm I get into my car and let the storm clouds errupt.

This pattern is exhausting and devestates me that I will repeat this series of events for the left of my life.  I think that is why 3 years is so hard. The reality that this is my new normal and that the pain is still as sharp. I am just a better actress at holding it together.

Time

Why does motherhood take away all your free time? 
Tonight I got off work an 45minutes early.
Ran some errands
Collected Elodie from daycare
Unpacked the dishwasher
Prepped dinner
Built a block tower or three
Went to the bank with Daddy
Ate dinner
Vaccuumed the floors that are constantly in need with all the salt and sand that is tracking in from inside
Decorated the house for valentines day
Bathed Elodie
Bed time routine
Contemplating between a TV night with DH or Yoga.

And I started work at 6am today.

Good Night

Only a mother says that

Thank goodness I am home alone (with the exception of Elodie) because sometimes I catch myself saying the oddest, weirds dumbest things. Things that only a mother would say!  Husband pointed out to me the other day that these inside comments to Elodie were starting to slip out of the house into the public world, oh gosh!

Today for example.

     "Did you poo in the cardboard box? "

Yes, she poo’ed in the card board box I gave her to colour and play with. She was having some pant free potty time and I guess she found a quiet private spot. On the positive side she came and got me to show me where she did it.

   “Good Girl for telling mommy you poo’ed in the box!”

   “Lets clean the tray and not the cracker.”
She was trying to wash the cheese off her crackers after I gave her the cloth to wipe apple sauce off her face.

Movember

This is how we finished our Christmas photos off. Undershirts and moustaches in support of Prostate Cancer. Next year Christmas pictures will be booked for December 1st.

Jump for Joy

Can she get any cuter, I think not. I love her to bits and can't stop smiling when I am with her.

Kisses

I forgot to update you on some cute cemetery happenings.  Who said cuteness could not happen in cemeteries? 

When we got out of the car the other weekend, after  unhooking the gates and closing them off so Elodie could run free we asked her to find Harrison. She toddled her way down the rows and found his stone. 

When we left she leaned down and kissed her brothers stone with a loud smack and another kiss for her Great Grandparents (her name sakes) and said her Buh-Bye and was on her way.

She knows there is something special and loved behind those gates.

Working Parents

Sorry blog I don't post much but I don't have much time. With both parents out of the house and a 19 month old time is very limited.

When I lost Harrison I said I wanted to stay at home and raise my children and enjoy every second of them.  Reality check we need dual incomes and I like working. I like adults, I like challenges and honestly work gives me a bit of personal time.  As for Elodie she loves when Mommy and Daddy are home but we think she may prefer the company of her peers much more.  After all they speak her language, challenge her to try new things and are willing to sing the same song over and over again.
Our daughter is showing signs of being the next stage sensation with her rendition of Rolly Polly and Incy Wincy Spider being sung repeatdly and even in her sleep.

Daddy is about to undertake a big transition to find more work/family life balance. In December he will be changing jobs to work for a local hospital in their cancer department. He is really looking forward to putting his passion towards helping others while only being half an hour away from his girls.

When things are Up I am Down

The anaology that grief is like riding a roller coaster is so true.  In the early days you measure progress in minutes, then hours than finally days. 

2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks.  I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home.  The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult.  What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out. 

This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?

This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.

I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings.  Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings. 

I have a job

I have a new job- finally. I am working with an organization that supports families with an individual living with Autism spectrum Disorder.

Everything so far is going smoothly. They are very accommodating to my family life and offer lots of flexibility with the joint understanding that staff are professionals and value their career and employment with the organization.

After my first week of work, I knew in my heart this is where I should be and I need to be.  The parents shared stories of regular life expediences their families were missing out on, such as pictures with Santa.  I went home and shared these stories with DH and we unanimously knew that this was a good place for me to work as we understand too well what it is like to miss regular family experiences.  We both want these  families to have what we regularly miss with Harrison.

A dear friend of mine was instrumental in helping me secure this job as a reference.  When I lost Harrison she was one of the few friends that could sort of understand what I was going through.  She has never experienced extreme grief and I pray she will.  Her youngest son has an ASD (Autism),  her and her husband had to come to terms with his reality and limitations.  She would look into his eyes would see a blank stare and would spend hours wondering who was behind those gorgeous baby boy eyes.  She physically had her son but had to grieve who he could have be the same way I grieve for who Harrison could be.  Her son, with lots of patience and dedication from her and his therapist has come along way with his communication and language skills.  Many times she has told me how grateful she is for the services offered to support the family.

I am going to try my best to raise valuable funds to help families like my friend with the guidance and drive of Harrison.

We are thinking of all the babies gone to soon from their parents arms. 

Hopeful Mama

Optimism

Optimists have a tendency to make lemons out of lemonade, and to then see the glass as half-full when it's half-empty. It's an admirable quality, one that can positively affect mental and physical health. Some optimists consistently ascribe benevolent motives to others and interpret situations in the best possible light, others simply disassociate their internal mood from external circumstances, no matter how sticky. Adding in a bit of complexity, the latest research shows that tempering a sunny disposition with a small dose of realism or even pessimism might be the best way to build resilience and achieve one's goals.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/optimism

Thank you Psychology Today for sharing that it is ok to have a tempered disposition. Today’s post was going to be a reminder to myself to be optimistic. I spent some time researching the definition of the word and its many interpretations. The result of my research is I really do think I am optimistic regardless of my situation. I believe that leaving my job will hopefully result in a better work/life balance. I believed that my second pregnancy would result in a beautiful outcome, and I am blessed. I am still trying hard to believe that a job offer will come at the eleventh hour and we will not need to relocate. I believe life will be clear sailing in my second half of life and I just need to get through this first half with my head held high. Another optomistic thing I do is to always make excuses for other drivers when they cut me off or when the check out lady is grumpy, they just must be having a rotten day and I should smile harder at them.

I just love the image I posted above. I am the big flying elephant without a harness reaching for the monkey (one of the symbols we associate with Harrison, his stone) whom is doing his best to reach out and give me faith that the leap was worth it and we will be together again.  If an of you know where I could get a full size copy of the print I would love to frame it above my desk.

Baby Angel Army

Conversation about Babylost Blogging
by: uberangie


I came across these two videos and loved how my fellow blogger shared her feelings. Too often I feel that my friends and family feel the same way about my situation and have unfortunately made some pretty insensitive comments.  The result has been I do not want to talk to them in fear of being judged and handling their insensitivity's. 

This second video made me laugh from the irony and the direct language. This is a language that we ( babyloss fellows) do speak. 


Babylost Conversation
by: uberangie



Credits to Uberangie's blog

Lumpai

Life for me is not all about moaning and groaning. Its true I have a lot to complain about these day (no job, child loss, house may be sold) but there is more to me, really! Since this blog is about living life I thought I would share a fun recipe I make for my family. Lumpia which is basically an egg roll from the Philippines.

I enjoy this recipe because you can not go wrong and you can toss in whatever ingredients you wish for a fun economical meal.

Ingredients:

Vermicelli nests

Boiling Water

Soak Vermicelli in boiling water according to package directions

1 Onion

Package of Ground Meat ( I used turkey)

1 Cup of Frozen cut Green Beans

2 Cups of Grated Carrot (give or take)

Pepper to taste

Soy Sauce

1 Egg

1 Package of Egg Roll Wrappers
(feel free to add garlic, ginger, oyster sauce, plum sauce..you get the idea...season how you wish)

Fry everything together until meat is fully cooked (Go ahead dump in anything) Add chopped up cooked vermicelli

Combine some Cornstarch and water in a small dish to use as a glue on your wrappers

Place 1/4 of mixture on wraper

Roll them up, glue down the edges with cornstarch and water mixture.

Fry them up with a small amount of cooking spray or oil.

Serve with a dipping sauce.

Suggested Sauce
Brown Sauce
3/4 Cup of Water
1 Tbsp Cornstarch
1/4 Cup of White sugar
3 Tbsp of Oyster Sauce
2 Tbsp of Lemon Juice
1/4 tsp of Garlic Powder
1 tsp of Beef Bouillon Powder

Combine in sauce pan. Heat and stir until boiling.

Or make your favourite peanut dipping sauce.

Back to School

A had a mini melt down yesterday while pushing the stroller.  The school kids were getting off the bus and the mothers were all anxiously waiting to apprehensively and hoping their kids had a good first day.  I had to duck down and dry my eyes before I excused myself and the stroller through the crowd.  Even though I am blessed to have a child it still hurts me to see all the opportunities and milestones I will be missing with my son.

Last year I was quite down about the first day of school and I shared it with some people and they were a bit confused how I could feel this way as one day too soon Elodie and I will experience the separation of her going off to school.  I wish people would understand that it has nothing to do with her, I know I will have that day with her but I should also be having that day first with him to ease my anxiety of sending her to school later on.  I wish more people would understand that she has nothing to do with my feelings of missing him. The experiences with her do not replace what I have missed with him, these experience are unique to her as they would have been uniquely his.

Panic?

I am happy in a sort of weird way. I keep investigating why I don't feel more stressed out and panicked, after all we are in the process of losing our house. 10 more days until we decide to list.  I have not cried or screamed, I am kind of numb but not in that depressive way. Every morning I am greeted to cuddles and Elodie wanting to giggle so we let the tickle monster loose each morning that has be laughing along.  Maybe it is true laughter is the best medicine or maybe I have already faced the toughest most stressful time in my life that this is just too inconsequential to feel.  Whatever it is I am managing well.

I Cry for You

I keep revisiting the day we laid you to rest son, the nip in the air, where people stood, and how I felt that I was living in a fish bowl that I could not escape from. I revisit my feelings that day often, the tears the pain and the torment of having your little body laying at my feet and wanting so bad to scoop you up into my arms. But what I remember most was missing you, missing you against me and missing who you are/were.

It struck me the other day that I was most likely the only one crying for you that day. I may be the only one who really knew you and felt your love. Chances are everyone else was standing around looking at your Dad and I and feeling dumbstruck on how to help us. Harrison, you need to know I was crying for you. I can muddle through this pain but it is for you I want. I want for you to have all and each day I try my best to provide you with my love and a promising future.

The past 4 years of stress

Summer is drawing to a close and I can feel the nip in the air in the evening, the sidewalks are bare after dinner. With the closure of summer comes some big hurdles and challenges our family needs to face. I have been out of work since May. The remainder of savings has been used up and my resume has been shared a million times with no offers.

What are the next steps? I honestly do not know. I keep crossing my fingers and trying hard to believe that we are owed our break and a job offer will arrive at the final penny.

Many ask how we don’t have savings left, friend here I know you understand. We bought a new house; both had steady jobs and were expecting our first child. Money went out to prepare the house and ready ourselves for baby. Baby never came but the money kept going out to cover the costs of the funeral and we used our savings to pay for a therapist at $130 a visit. I was on Mat leave then found out I was pregnant again. I did not work long enough to stock the accounts. The next baby arrived and she had more expenses. Dh lost his job and we were without income again. He secured a new job with a pay cut. Not to worry I was returning to work and we would have time to build the coffers up again, NOT. I was laid off. Simple as that, we are out of money.

We bought a house, had a baby, lost a son, buried a son, had a baby, Dh lost his job, I lost my job. It has been a whirlwind of stress.

Despite the stress I have really enjoyed this extra time with my daughter. I needed this time to enjoy and love her. Last summer her birth overlapping our grief I was too overwhelmed to stop. ( I was afraid of stopping as the pain was too unbearable to allow it to creep in) She is such a delight and a wonder. Friends, family please understand we are doing all that we can for our family’s best interest.

Sorry to have been absent on my posts but we head up North to the cottage on weekends and my free time during the week is used for job hunting.

We are all doing very well and handling the stress of the unknown salary quite well.

I need a few reminders that I made the decision to leave my past employer rather than stay on their terms to benefit my family. I am praying things work out for us and as always trying to be the Hopeful_mama.