My Best Companion

(Kiara and I resting and waiting for Harrison)

My best friend is an unlike any other, she is my cat, Kiara. As odd as this may be to admit she has been my warmth and comfort these past few months and I feel the need to thank her. She has always been there for me when I have been beyond comfort and angry at the world. She makes it so hard to be angry when she brushes up against my leg or crawls up on me and brushes her cheek against mine. She lets me cry and allows the tears to fall off my face onto her. She watches the wet path of tears and I know she feels my pain.

As a matter of fact she is with me right now on my lap watching me type. I am never alone.

When my arms are longing to feel the warm weight of my child she crawls into them and falls asleep against me. For a brief moment I allow myself to imagine the warmth and the weight being my baby, I try hard to see his face and imagine how he would smell.

For hours we will sit together and day dream, greave and mourn. She does not ask for anything just nudges her body into mine or will reach her paw across me.

    “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart”
     -Ernest Menaul
    "When I'm in the doghouse, my cats still come to visit. --Unknown"

She thought all the baby stuff was hers!

These are My Footprints

This was posted on a mommy friend's blog that was shared with her by another grieving mommy.  It was so touching I needed share it and keep it close.

I am still navigating the world of blog and will need to learn how to ask and share resources.
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These are My Footprints

 "These are my footprints, so perfect and so small. These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.


Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings. These tiny footprints were meant for other things.

 You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain. Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.

 You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance. I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.


You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves. I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

 Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."

 ~Anonymous

Sunday Mornings

What does Sunday morning mean to you? To DH and me it tends to be a slow lazy morning. However in the past few months Sunday mornings have become cemetery visiting day.

Since we have been married DH has been responsible for Sunday breakfast. “Waffies.!!!” He makes the best, so light and fluffy. (The secret is the Bob Mills 12 grain pancake and waffle mix) This has been a favoured tradition of ours. I often wake him up because my belly is hungry and I just can’t wait any longer. We each done our comfy bathrobes and make coffee and eat waffles.

A new event has become a tradition on Sundays, the cemetery visit. After filling our bellies we drive out to the country to visit Harrison. Harrison rests in a charming rural cemetery surrounded by family on my mother’s side. He rests at the feet of my beloved grandparents. My Great Grandma and Grandpa start off the row.

Often we stop at the dollar store to pick up an item to decorate his resting place. Items are seasonal and tasteful as to not offend my very conservative family members and the local farmers.

I missed this Sunday’s trip and my waffles. I had the stomach flu and was not able to leave my house. Breakfast was ginger ale and 2 soda crackers! I am feeling much better now.

On our trip last Sunday we went empty handed but not empty hearted. DH and I built Harrison his first snowman! He is a beautiful snowman. Three large balls, sticks for arms, sunglasses, pine cone nose and an evergreen smile. We had fun building him. He was a perfect snowman for our perfect son. I am so glad we got to play in the snow with Harrison.

Pregnancy Update

We had another one of our epic doctor's appointments this week.  We are 28 weeks pregnant.

The doctors are so pleased! Our lil girl is growing right on target.  She weighs approximately 1008 grams. (2.5lbs) and is in the 50 percentile for growth.  Not only is she growing perfectly my body seems to be doing exactly what it should be.

After countless ultrasounds for this pregnancy one would think I would be used to them, not at all, I still get very nervous.  The nurse was doing her monitoring and measuring then became quiet, she was looking for breathing movements.  Her quietness lasted too long for my comfort and I started to sweat and panic.  I thought I was going to faint. My mind did not know what to process or what to do.  Everything was fine, the baby was just taking a rest.  I wonder if this is a sign of how anxious I will be when she is born?  The baby scored a perfect 8 out 8!

I think this was the first time in the pregnancy that I was really concerned for her.  My concern is a good sign that we are growing more and more attached.  After this last appointment I am ready for her to be on the outside where I can watch and double check she is still alive. 

These next few weeks are going to be long ones.

Back from Holidays

Believe it or not it was just as cold in Florida as home.

The specialist recommended I get lots of fresh air and sunshine, no prob doc! A sunny vacation was planned....NOT.

Dh and I decided to venture out in the misleading sun for a walk to a coffee shop. We bundled up in our winter coats, hats, mitts and brought the camera for the obligatory beach and pool photo. We stood in front of the water fountain, flanked with palm trees huddled together for warmth and posed on the beach with coffee cups in hand, faces red from the sting of the cold ocean air.

Finally on our last day it warmed up. I had saved my trash/gossip magazines for my beach trip. In one day we lounged by the beach, the pool, swam, rode our bikes and ate ice cream. It was hard work to squeeze 7 days of warm vacation into a few hours!

The last time we visited Florida as a couple was April 2009, two weeks following Harrison's passing. Dh had 3 weeks of paternal leave and I was on 12 weeks of maternal leave from our jobs. Time and an unwelcome freedom. Dh always spoke of making the 22 hour drive down south. Who was I to stop a grieving father from accomplishing a goal.

It was so hard to leave our house, I still clung on to hope that I would wake up from my nightmare. I would accept someone knocking on my door and handing me my baby, no questions asked. (I still do have this fantasy) I hated being any further from his resting place and his belongings that filled our house. Regardless we packed our belongs and off we went.

We were going to document this trip as if it was no different than any other vacation. We took pictures of the temperature leaving home and another one once we reached our final destination. We did all those obligatory shots I talked about. We tried our hardest to smile, this is what our son would want. Looking back at those pictures our eyes tell no lies, we are broken and pained.

Getting away to the land of silver hair and snowbirds was great. There was no reminders of our sorrow, no one knew that we were the saddest people alive. We could talk about our feelings when we felt like it. We did not have to hear the numerous awkward condolences and put on our brave masks. It was just DH and I! We cried and we laughed, some times both emotions would come out together.

The drive back was hard, we were ready to come home but not ready to face our reality. As we approached home it felt like loads of brick were being piled on my chest.

The house was quiet, full of those horrible funeral arrangements with dropping leaves. Our mail box was not full of congratulations cards but the opposite. His room was empty just waiting for him to come home. 3 weeks into it and I was still in a fog.

Well we had sun, sand and an attempt at fun!

Vacation Time

We are off to Florida for the week. I will post more but right now need to pack. We have to be at the airport for 3:30am because of the new security laws.

I will tell you all about the last time DH and visited Florida, the week after Harrison passed, one of the best decisions we made at the time. Hopefully this visit will not stir up too many mixed emotions.

Bed time!

The process

Tuesday –Wednesday (the day I don’t remember)

My husband and I set off to the hospital again for another induction GEL and were sent home again to return in the afternoon to be admitted.

We returned home to his room and cried some more and had to say out final goodbyes in the peace of our own home. We read to him and told him how much we loved him. My mother and MIL were waiting in the car for us but we could not leave the comfort of his room. The phone rang and it was the midwife wondering if we were ok as we were an hour late.

As I mentioned this day is very vague. We arrived at the hospital and the room was not ready for me. Somehow my family was all there. My sister had packed snacks and we were shown to an empty room because my family was taking up so much space. I remember trying to be strong and most likely came across very cold.
Finally I was admitted to my room and the midwife and nurses began. Blood was drawn, and the IV was hooked up. This was it no going back. The anesthesiologist was heading home for dinner and wanted to give me my epi asap. I was afraid to be tied down to the bed and went for one last walk before I was frozen in place.

I had the epi before any contractions started. I was now paralyzed physically and emotionally. At this point DH took a sedative to cope. He then fell sound asleep next to me in bed. He either eats or sleeps in distress. He was so sound asleep he tried to position me in our familiar spooning sleep position- this was not happening with an epi. The midwife suggested I too try to sleep but I was much too scared. She asked everyone to leave the room but the silence of my own thoughts scared me too much too sleep.

DH must have wiggled my epi out when he was cuddled next to me because it was no longer working. The anesthesiologist came back and gave me an upper for it. It did not take and he did not believe me. I was in so much pain. Why should I feel additional pain to my heart ache? My blood pressure was rising and my patience had faded. I was in incredible pain and he was being an absolute ass telling me I needed to feel this pain. The midwife went and complained to request a new anesthesiologist. Finally he came in and said he would have to remove the needle and reinsert it (he was trying to discourage me) I sad absolutely and low and behold it started to work again but it was too late. The baby transitioned fast, he was crowning.
This may sound strange. I asked for my toothbrush, makeup and hairbrush. I wanted to look my absolute best when I was to meet the love of my life. I had not brushed my teeth since Tuesday morning and it was now Wednesday morning. DH and I cleaned up and asked everyone to leave the room.

It was time to push; I could still feel all my contraction. I was so afraid of this next step, it was time to say goodbye, and he was really leaving me in all ways. How do you push when you want to hold on so badly…? I was so afraid he would be deformed I covered my head and my DH held me between his legs while I pushed. In very few pushes he was delivered at 6:15 am.
I begged him to cry, this had to be a nightmare. Everyone was wrong, we would show them!

“Cry Baby”

Silence.

He was taken over to the cold warming tray and cleaned up. DH went to look at him first. I was so scared to see my own son. Finally I mustered enough courage to see him.
He was so beautiful and perfect. Again aloud I told him how much I loved him. I will never forget the overwhelming surge of love I felt for him. To this day I try to hold on to that great feeling.

Still-born

I had a perfect pregnancy and gave birth to a perfectly formed son. Unfortunately he never cried out.

A stillborn to any parent is no different than the loss of any living child. Like all mothers know the connection to your child is unreal in how much love and joy he gives you, this does not change.

I still had a vaginal delivery, no different than a live birth. My son was bathed, weighed and measured. We held him and took many pictures. Relatives and friends came to hold our child. He was just perfect! He was everything we hoped for….we wanted him to have his daddy’s long fingers and toes and he did. He had my cute little ears; his father’s thin lips and my forehead and eye shape. We will never know the colour of his eyes. We diapered, dressed and swaddled him. Gave him toys and read him to him (Guess how much I love you”.

But no one ever asks how my labour, or birth experience was

We kissed and hugged our child countless times. The only difference was his skin, it was cold under my lips. He was just so remarkably perfect and everything we had dreamed of.

The wheel chair arrived for me to go home but rather then carrying my son to the car I left empty handed as the midwife walked to the morgue with my son.

We arrived home to no balloons or welcome banners just a cold dark home filled with sad people and two very numb new parents.

Nobody speaks to me as a mother or to DH as a father. Like all new parents we fall into bed each night exhausted and barely have the energy to face the day. We are tired, worn and in need of a shower too. Someone was telling DH how much they never realized how tiring being a new parent could be, I guess they don’t know how tiring saying goodbye can be. All the mothers and fathers nodded their head in agreement, DH sat still.

Seven hours after giving birth we were at the florist choosing funeral arrangements. Green mums and blue hydrangeas to match our wedding flowers , bright yellow lilies for him and soft pussy willows as it was spring. The florist never said sorry for your loss it was business as usual.

Thirty hours after giving birth DH and I are at the mall, seemingly to young people out for the evening. So little did they know we were shopping for new outfits to wear to our son’s funeral. DH wanted something to make his son proud, no expense to be spared on this occasion. A woman was upset at the counter over a return, how could she be mad and so worked up when my baby just died. How could I have let the small things bother me in the past?

Unfortunately no one ever told us that stillbirths existed. After the 12 week ultra sound and all the prenatal testing we thought we were in the clear. Stillbirths occur in greater than 1 in 200 (some say 1 in 150) births in Canada. Over 75% of these cases there is no medical reason as to how or why. It just happens. We had no warning signs, I had good blood pressure, avoided smokers, did not drink, exercised, ate well, slept, took it easy. Nothing would have lead us to believe this could happen to us.

Harrison was still born and lives on with us.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.

In the dark blue sky you keep,
And often through my curtains peep,
For you never shut your eye,
Till the sun is in the sky.

As your bright and tiny spark,
Lights the traveller in the dark,—
Though I know not what you are,
Twinkle, twinkle, little star

On New Year's Eve the city let off plenty of fireworks in the park across from our home. It was a snowy blustery night but the explosions still rose and lit the sky. We watched from the room next to what would have been his room. You could see the neighbourhood kids running to watch, their faces turned up to the sky as snowflakes covered their faces.

A month after Harrison's passing I went to watch another firework's display on my own. I wanted to believe that he could see what I saw from above and we would be connected. To this day I still try to hold onto these thoughts. Sad and comforting.

So many songs and sayings take on a different meaning. Will I be able to sing this song to my future children to comfort them? I need to. I need not be so emotional over everything.

Like a Diamond in the Sky,.
Harrison will always be our diamond.

Can you hear me?

This morning on the long commute into work DH and I were goofing around. I did not recognize his earphones and he showed them to me and commented how they would not work for me. You see, I have tiny ears. I think they are adorable and are one of my stronger features. The downside is finding earphones that fit and do not fall out. Having cute petite ears does have its down side.

When Harrison was born I took the time to see if he had my ears. I believe they were just as cute!

DH asked me if his lobes hung down or were attached like mine. I don't know?

There are no pictures that show his ears. I will never know! I could share this with another mother who more than likely does not know this minute detail about their child. The difference is, the other mothers can find out. I will never know if his ear lobes hung or were truly like mine.