I have had a great weekend and to bout did needn to leave my home! We decided to stay home and make time for friends. Over the past year we have not had much time to dedicate to others as we have been looking after ourselves and healing. I really appreciate the friends that have understood that we needed to focus on ourselves, Harrison and the pregnancy.
Finally the time has come where we feel that we have the strength to open our home and spread our focus. Saturday DH invited a few friends over for a rained out BBQ. I was nervous to talk to people outside of my closed circle that knew my plight but enjoyed myself and meeting some new friends. This is a step forward for me and facing new people as I have mentioned before how I lost some self confidence. Today we spent the better part of the afternoon outside just chilling and relaxing with another group of friends. As I type I am waiting for my friend to come over so I can congratulate her on her engagement. I think I may be ready to start taking those first few steps outside of my sheltered circle.
July 25, 2010
July 22, 2010
Turn That Frown Upside Down
First off I am having a better day today, a glass of wine and some sinfully fattening dinner of chicken wings and fries did the trick.
Upon reflection at the end of the day I realized that it was two years ago this week I discovered I was expecting Harrison. It is so strange thinking back to a happy time I remember feeling so excited and scared, now I question if my happiness will ever be pure and fulfilling because sadness lives in my heart. Around the same time last year I found out we were expecting Elodie. It was a pure surprise and a bit of a mystery. Rather than running to DH to share the news, I kept it to myself for a few days in disbelief convinced I was reading the test wrong. It was when I visited my doctors to get Harrison’s autopsy reports the pregnancy was confirmed. I told her how I could not understand how this happened. Her reply was priceless that she was not going to go over how these things happen as I should have figured this out by now.
This July I am pretty confident that I am not pregnant for a third time in row. It would be absolutely impossible, DH and I have not resumed that part of our relationship, partly out of fear of a reoccurrence but more so from the hurt and pain that have come between us. We both have a lot of healing to do.
Upon reflection at the end of the day I realized that it was two years ago this week I discovered I was expecting Harrison. It is so strange thinking back to a happy time I remember feeling so excited and scared, now I question if my happiness will ever be pure and fulfilling because sadness lives in my heart. Around the same time last year I found out we were expecting Elodie. It was a pure surprise and a bit of a mystery. Rather than running to DH to share the news, I kept it to myself for a few days in disbelief convinced I was reading the test wrong. It was when I visited my doctors to get Harrison’s autopsy reports the pregnancy was confirmed. I told her how I could not understand how this happened. Her reply was priceless that she was not going to go over how these things happen as I should have figured this out by now.
This July I am pretty confident that I am not pregnant for a third time in row. It would be absolutely impossible, DH and I have not resumed that part of our relationship, partly out of fear of a reoccurrence but more so from the hurt and pain that have come between us. We both have a lot of healing to do.
July 21, 2010
Off Day
I am super cranky today. I want to bite off everyones head and eat cookies. Too bad as a mother this is not an option. Smile smile.
July 15, 2010
Learning through the heat
I have not been the best at updating my blog now that the hot weather has rolled in and chased us from our home. We finally succumb to the high humidity and ordered an air conditioner, which is being installed as I type. In a few hours cold dry air will be blowing through my home. The heat has been an easy excuse as to why I have not done much housework or cooking. I am using these last few hazy hours to come up with a new reason and I know Elodie’s wellbeing will justify my reasoning to put these domestic obligations off.
The simple truth is Elodie is so laid back and does not keep me from much. This morning the doll spent an hour playing on her Baby Einstein play mat. She adores the thing! She is so focused on her goal of making use of her hands. Watching her learn to manipulate her hands to match the gaze of her eyes is astounding. Her constant determination teaches me a few lessons in patience. It is no surprise why she is so exhausted by the end of the day.
The simple truth is Elodie is so laid back and does not keep me from much. This morning the doll spent an hour playing on her Baby Einstein play mat. She adores the thing! She is so focused on her goal of making use of her hands. Watching her learn to manipulate her hands to match the gaze of her eyes is astounding. Her constant determination teaches me a few lessons in patience. It is no surprise why she is so exhausted by the end of the day.
July 2, 2010
The Marker
It is bitter sweet to share my son's monument. The carving turned out beautifully. Dh's friend did an excellent job desingning the image with the influence of the monkey's in his room and a stuffed monkey that sat in his room. The carver did an excellent job interupting the design into stone. The stone was laid in time for decoration day at the cemetary.
(interupted by motherhood)
Like most events surrounding Harrison's death I am struck with anxiety from frea of my own reactions. I was so afraid to see his name etched on a "tomb stone". The previous few visits I was afraid to walk into the cemetary to see his stone and afraid that I would hate it or regret the design. In the end what upset me was seeing my own name etched out in a cemetary.
Thank you to everyone that helped us decide on the personalization of his stone.
(interupted by motherhood) Like most events surrounding Harrison's death I am struck with anxiety from frea of my own reactions. I was so afraid to see his name etched on a "tomb stone". The previous few visits I was afraid to walk into the cemetary to see his stone and afraid that I would hate it or regret the design. In the end what upset me was seeing my own name etched out in a cemetary.
Thank you to everyone that helped us decide on the personalization of his stone.
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