Are you warm enough son? Did we give you enough to play with? These questions plague me at times until the awful realization death is forever sinks in again. When he was born I did not want him to catch a chill, so on went his diaper, his diaper vest, his sleeper and his hat. Finally he was wrapped in two receiving blankets. To ensure he was not lonely he had two what we call “love flowers” and Sophie the Giraffe with him. The “love flowers” are simply plush stuffed flowers with faces. James won me one at Canada’s Wonderland and we always had it by the bed and to poke each other with and to smile down on us. I sent everyone looking for the flowers while I was in labour.
Before he was lowered into the ground I was assured by the funeral attendant that he had everything I gave him and was dressed and wrapped as I requested. It had been bothering me that he would have been in the autopsy room undressed, indignant and cold. The cold of winter upsets me for our visits are cut short and how cold his little body must be.
I would like it to warm up again to feel the warm sun on all of us when we go visit. Our next visit I will be giving him a stuffed red rose love flower.
January 27, 2011
January 14, 2011
Pink Blueberry Photography
Thank You Lana, from Pink Blueberry Photography. You are an amazing friend with far too many talents to list off.
You have held me up when I could not and you have shown me the my inner light.
January 13, 2011
Boy o boy I want a boy
I made a heavy realization the other night. I am consumed by wanting a boy.
Friends and family have observed the lack of pink and plush around my home. E does have a tendency to play more male activities. I can easily justify both of these observations.
a) I have invested in gender neutral baby items in order to share them amongst siblings
b) I can't influence my daughters interest in her activities as she is too young
(her favourite toys are Dumpy the Dump truck and her hammer)
However the other night I sat back and thought about it. E was sleeping and DH was out working late which left me some peaceful time to sit down and have a drink and bask in the silence. This pause in my day brought out a flood or tears and feelings that had not been purged in a few weeks with the chaos of our household these last few weeks. (Dh taking courses, studying, working late and E had been sick). Maybe the truth was/is I want a boy so badly I subconsciously gravitate towards more male activities and items.
It is true that I often think of names for my next boy and imagine toy cars underfoot and perhaps I don't do this for my next girl, ok I don't at all. If I were to become pregnant again it had to be a boy! The rational me knows this is beyond my control. The emotional me would be devastated if I was not given my boy. I feel entitled and owed a boy. At that very moment I was terrified to be pregnant again and to give birth to another girl and wondered if these inner feelings have been robbing my daughter of a variety of game playing and toys.
I had a talk with Dh about this and he put me to rest that I was not harming our daughter, he feels that I am more naturally drawn to the less girlie games and activities and in fact I do give E girlie items when they are hers exclusively such as stuffed animals and clothing. So that's one fear taken care of, leaving just my strong desire to have a boy.
The emotional impact of this event never dies, when I think I am on the road to normal again another hidden fear emerges.
Friends and family have observed the lack of pink and plush around my home. E does have a tendency to play more male activities. I can easily justify both of these observations.
a) I have invested in gender neutral baby items in order to share them amongst siblings
b) I can't influence my daughters interest in her activities as she is too young
(her favourite toys are Dumpy the Dump truck and her hammer)
However the other night I sat back and thought about it. E was sleeping and DH was out working late which left me some peaceful time to sit down and have a drink and bask in the silence. This pause in my day brought out a flood or tears and feelings that had not been purged in a few weeks with the chaos of our household these last few weeks. (Dh taking courses, studying, working late and E had been sick). Maybe the truth was/is I want a boy so badly I subconsciously gravitate towards more male activities and items.
It is true that I often think of names for my next boy and imagine toy cars underfoot and perhaps I don't do this for my next girl, ok I don't at all. If I were to become pregnant again it had to be a boy! The rational me knows this is beyond my control. The emotional me would be devastated if I was not given my boy. I feel entitled and owed a boy. At that very moment I was terrified to be pregnant again and to give birth to another girl and wondered if these inner feelings have been robbing my daughter of a variety of game playing and toys.
I had a talk with Dh about this and he put me to rest that I was not harming our daughter, he feels that I am more naturally drawn to the less girlie games and activities and in fact I do give E girlie items when they are hers exclusively such as stuffed animals and clothing. So that's one fear taken care of, leaving just my strong desire to have a boy.
The emotional impact of this event never dies, when I think I am on the road to normal again another hidden fear emerges.
January 5, 2011
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