More Guilt

Some days I feel that I put too much pressure and ask too much of my son, after all he is only a baby. Why should anything be asked of him when he should be here on earth being spoiled by all that love him.

When he was born we gave him the middle name Xander, derived from Alexander. The meaning behind Alexander is protector of man. At birth he was already given a great responsibility of taking care of us and watching out for his siblings. In the past year I have called upon him to guide and give me strength. In those moments I truly felt his love guiding me but afterwards I was overcome with guilt. It is the guilt of asking something so big from my child and expecting him to be mature beyond his years to assist.

My rational mind tells me there is nothing wrong with asking these divine requests of my son but there is nothing rational about having a child in heaven. As his mother I will continue to look out for his well being and I conclude that I am entitled to feel the guilt that all mothers do

First Dress

Today Miss-E wore her first dress. Since no one saw her I thought I would show it off here.

Another Spring Snow

Last night/morning when we woke up the yard was covered in snow. These pretty white fluffy spring snows are seasonally out of place, just like the day we found out Harrison had passed away.  The snow fall opened up the large vault of grief that lives in me, it brought me back to that Monday morning when we woke up to snow thinking we would be delivering our son that day but instead we promptly made funeral plans.

That snowy Monday morning 13 months ago I drew a picture with a dry erase marker on our bathroom mirror.  Two stick figures representing Dh with our arms holding a chubby baby boy uniting us as a family.  That drawing is still on our mirror as it represents the family I dreamed of and I can't bare to erase it.  Each week it is slowly fading from the humidity in the bathroom and speckled with toothpaste and I can't figure out a way to preserve it or take picture of it because of the reflection of the mirror.  I feel if it went so would my connection with that day.... I love by baby girl to the heavens but I still wish I could turn time back to that morning deliver him safely and hold him in my arms forever.   No amount of physical pain could ever explain the pain of losing a child.

If roses grow in Heaven, Lord please pick a bunch for me,

place them in my Mother's arms and tell her they're from me,
Tell her I Love Her and Miss Her,
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for awhile....

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

The above poem was shared with me by my sister, she was the only one last year that had the strength to acknowledge me as a mother so shortly after we lost our son.  I chose to believe that everyone else felt too awkward to say anything to me, even DH said nothing and hid under the covers.  It was around this time last year I lost him to a deep clinical depression that he is still trying to crawl out from.  He said he tried to find me a card but it just made everything feel that much worse. 

Each holiday and celebration we try our best to get Harrison a card...it is not easy.  The last card was for his first Birthday, after 4 stores we lucked out and found a perfect card with the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle, which was one of my first  blog posts .

This Mother's Day will be different as I have a live child but it will not stop me from spending it with my both my children.  On Sunday I will enjoy my "Sunday Waffiies" and visit the cemetery.

I wish all the mothers peace and strength on Mother's Day.

I have dreamed of the day when my child will proudly give me my first bouquet of freshly picked dandelions.

Looking for symbols

Since Harrison passed I have been trying hard to feel and believe he is still with us, helping and guiding us to find peace.  Sometimes I fear I put too much though into looking for proof he is here with us.  Here are a few of my recent signs.

Miss-E was born on April 4th 4/04  and Harrison was born at 40 weeks and 4 days. 404.

The other day these flowers grew above Harrison's head. 

Do you believe your children and loved ones send you symbols/signs?

Double Emotions

April was an exhausting month. The birth of our daughter combined with the anniversary of the loss of our son took its toll on me. One great thing I learned was my ability to feel many emotions simultaneously. I could be completely and utterly delighted and devastated at the same time. I would be thankful for the blessing of my daughter and completely angered by the injustice of losing a child. Amazed by her life and torn that I missed out on similar moments with him. I can even admit to be being disgusted elbow deep in poop and feel so privileged for finally getting this experience.

Looking back on these double emotions I am amazed by how much strength and complexity as a human I have. Where would I be if Miss-E did not enter my world during such an emotional time? I hope to think I would not be brought down again by my grief but I think without her I could have been. I know now that my sadness will never fade and at times it may be all encompassing but it still allows me to see the light and feel the good in life.

Here is a picture from our photo shoot the other week with a dear good friend and a hounourary Auntie. Please check out her other pictures at PinkBlueberry Photography.