Accept Me

Please accept my moods right now, I am under a lot of stress.  Excuse me when I snap, or am moody or short. I am doing my best and I reserve the greatest efforts for my daughter's care.

It is two weeks away from his Birthday. Are we celebrating a birth or his death-aversary. We are so confused and again I repeat trying our best.

Split Second

The last two Birthdays I have been pregnant and waiting to hold a baby in my arms.
Last night I savoured every second of rocking my beautiful baby girl to sleep.
For a split second everything felt ok.

Birthdays

Tomorrow is my Birthday and I should be happy but the celebration of Birthdays brings me so much pain.  Three weeks before Harrison's due date was my B I G 30th Birthday.  My friends were geared up for a party and I was geared up to explode.  I was so excited to have the biggest life changing event of my life coincide with a new decade in my life.  My 30's were going to be about family and children.  I told everyone how I would love to share the spotlight of my Birthday with my pregnancy and even do a party/shower.  I don't think anyone understood.  The month prior I had my shower and I would have my 30th Birthday with friends.  I posed my big pregnant belly with my cake, I wanted the baby to be apart of the celebration. 



Sorry don't know why it wont turn



Birthdays since have not been the same for me or me participating in them.  The Birthday song sends me to the next room crying as he would never get to be the center of attention and honestly I still can't find a good reason to celebrate birth when it was the most devastating moment of my life.  I avoid friends Birthdays because I don't want to celebrate. 

Friends and family want to celebrate with me tomorrow and I don't want to.  The day brings forward the feelings I had on my 30th and the aftershocks ripple through me.

Friends, family please give me this day to feel sorry for myself and reminisce about how I felt carrying him inside of me.  Don't wish me a happy day because it is not anymore.

Where am I?

What has been going on with us?

We are tackling a basement renovation that we are trying our best to do ourselves.  From 7pm to 10:30pm we work on putting Elodie to bed and framing a basement.

James has been working crazy hours and trying to juggle the responsibilities of family life and a new job.

James has been studying when not working on the basement or called away from home for work.

I have trying my best to squeeze two work outs in a week after Elodie is in bed.

We have been dealing with a stressful family situation with the in laws that has been taking a lot of our energy and causing loads of stress.

With James so tied up it leaves me with a lot of responsibilities around the home and tending to Elodie. In turn very little time for me.


So...my friends I am sorry I have been negligent at posting more often. 
Son, I love you very much. Even though we have not visited you very much we have been putting family first and I know that is what you want.