Making Room a struggle

The time has come where I am ready to start facing Harrison’s possessions and making room in our lives to love and honour another child.  I have dreaded facing his things and packing them away.

Ten weeks ago my sister and her husband came during the day to pack up the majority of the boy clothes that hung in anticipation of his arrival.  Previous to her coming my mother had arranged to do it and both DH and I could not handle it at that time and asked her to come back later.

I never said thank you to my sister, how could I?  I am not thankful one bit that the little boy items are no longer in his room that those clothes are no longer intended for him.  I want so badly for half of them to be pilling up in the laundry bin from spit ups, diaper blow outs and goober.  Another lesson learned was holding onto the clothes was like holding on to the dream that he would come home but it was time to wake up.

The clothes were packed in large Tupperware containers and put into the basement. I pushed them back as far as I could where I would not be reminded of their contents.

During this time we learned our little Sprout was a girl.  It is easy to shop for these clothes but close to impossible to hang them in the now empty closet.  I would buy something and open the door and quickly toss it into the nursery. I did not want to face its emptiness of missing Harrison’s belongings.  The piles on the floor grew.  Like all stages of grief I finally had to face it head on and deal with it and like every other milestone/stage  it was not as bad as I had anticipated it to be.

Our grief councilor suggested I try to make room for this baby and go through the boy clothes tucked away under the stairs.  One day I had the strength to do it, I had taken the day off work and faced the piles and again I learned something I was not as attached to these clothes as I thought I was.  They were just clothes however there are a few outfits that DH and I picked out together that we set aside and may never be worn by another child because they hold memories. Memories of thoughts we had for his future,

Tonight we are going to box up his cards, paperwork and small items.  (It really is odd what I am attached too such as ribbons from funeral flowers and bows from the shower because generally speaking I am a pretty minimalist person.)  They too no longer need to be taking up a shelf in the house.  I will never dispose of these items as each one document he existed.

 All of his things in his room.

The worst words: “I lost the baby”

(Don’t fret baby girl Sprout is doing fine)
I believe some of the most hurtful words a woman can say is “I lost the baby”. Those four words carry a world of guilt and admission. Why the “I”? Very few woman/mothers are responsible for the passing of her child. I believe when I found out Harrison heart had stopped beating I used those same words. Those words caused me so much pain and guilt. I have struggled daily to accept that “I” am not to blame for this tragedy. I did not lose him, I loved him!

When I investigated the definition of lost this is what I found on Webster's dictionary
1 : not made use of, won, or claimed. Your baby will always be your beloved child.

2 a : no longer possessed b : no longer known You will always carry a piece of your baby in your heart

3 : ruined or destroyed physically or morally : DESPERATE The memory and love lives on.

I wish I could go back and find a better term that took the “I” and “lost” out of the statement. Just maybe I would have fought less with myself?... Perhaps saved myself from hours of what ifs, should haves and could haves? I still do have the should have/could have days but these are not as intense and I can rationalize a lot quicker that I am a good mother and "I" always put Harrison’s needs first.

Is your cat planning to kill you?

For the cat lovers.

Slow the brain down!

It has started; my brain is taking off at full speed. It wakes me with lists of everything I need to do before baby comes.  House work, baby prep, meals, ect…

My question is how am I supposed to work at my career when it (brain) is so occupied with life at home?  I have taken a month off work to look after all the details and I know I have plenty of time but silly brain thinks it is running out of time!

Sweeties Day

With less a month and half to go before we are joined by our daughter, money is tight and we are trying our hardest to learn not to spend. I have to say I love the gifts from the heart a thousand times more than those from the store. How Sweet is my DH? Look what he made me? A bowl of origami paper tulips!

Happy Long Weekend Ontario

It is a busy next few days of celebrations; Chinese New Year, Valentine’s Day, Family Day and Shrove/Pancake Tuesday.

DH and I plan to go downtown Saturday morning to enjoy our favourite coffee shop and I am really hoping that they sell decaf lattes.  If you are interested in the best cup of Joe and a great latte visit  Manic Coffee.  After coffee we are hitting  Carousel Bakery for a Peameal Bacon Sandwich in the St Lawrence Market.  (I should mention how being pregnant I excuse myself from my vegetarian beliefs and give into a diet richer in animal protein. DH really enjoys this part of me being pregnant, poor guy has matched my weight gain in both pregnancies!  I am even allowing myself some horrid Nitrate which I do my best to avoid)  

I am really looking forward to this time with DH and getting out of the house together.  It has been a long time since we have enjoyed each other’s company and done some activities we used to enjoy before Harrison passed.

Hrm...

I want to think of something upbeat to post but don't have much to say.

It was 40 weeks ago today we said goodbye to Harrison and held his burial and memorial, the Saturday of Easter Weekend.  Today is really not bothering me like the day we know he passed and the last day we held him.

I enjoyed a nice lunch with my mom, dad and step-aunt today for Winterlicious.

I guess a neutral mood is as good as any other!

I am proud of myself!

I realize friends and family can’t anticipate all the hard milestones and which ones I am afraid of or are particularly emotional for me. Often times when I share that certain days or events are much too hard for me I am met with stunned non-understanding looks. In those moments I feel judged by those whom I thought I could be honest with. It pains me.

The pain of losing my son and the darkness in my heart I do not share with too many. I do this out of love, I don’t want the people I care for to understand something so dark and painful. However I still want their support. Last week I shared how hard this 40 weeks mark was for me, how I felt time was distancing me from him. I asked for support. I don’t think anyone understood or cared and it makes me feel so alone. Those that do understand are the friends in the blogs and message board sphere. Thank You for those that made the simplest act of a kind word or an e-mail telling me you are thinking of me and validating that I am aloud to feel this way.

In support group we talked about friends and family. The common re occurrence was that many close friends were no longer in the picture and those from a distance became the light. Unfortunately some of the friends I thought I was closest too I am going to have to let go for my own good. I can’t handle anymore rejection and as a mourner I know I deserve the time to feel the way I do. Also I deserve some patience and understanding to navigate the ups and downs. He will always be a part of me and there will always be an emptiness that can never be filled.
I wish those closest to me would congratulate me. I am proud of my grief work, I am proud I have survived, I am proud of my courage and I am proud that I can still smile.

I found this article from another blogging mother. The Death Of A Child - The Grief Of The Parents: A Lifetime Journey


Here is an exert which enforces the validity of what I am feeling.

As part of the grieving process, bereaved parents experience ups and downs and a literal roller coaster of emotions. For these parents, a personal history includes a past with the child and a present and future without the child. For most grieving parents, it is vitally important to verbalize the pain, to talk about what happened, to ask questions, and puzzle aloud, sometimes over and over.
It is the nature of grief that feelings, thoughts, and emotions need to be processed and that those in grief must look into their hearts and souls and try to heal from within. Each does this in his/her own way. "Grieving parents are survivors" (Rando 1986, 176), and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way each maps out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. They need to know that there are many ways to grieve; there is no timetable for grief's duration; there are no rules, boundaries, or protocols for grieving.
Moreover, those who seek to comfort grieving parents need to recognize and understand the complexities of the parents' emotions and should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about the way a couple is supposed to grieve if their child dies. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, the death of a child is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well.

10 months since we held you

10 months (40 weeks) ago today was the first and last time I held you. Rather then filling your "First Year" book with a monthly picture today I visited your grave.

40 weeks ago I had to say hello and goodbye all within a few short hours. I tried my best to give you a lifetime of kisses. I had to let you go. I will never forget the feeling of someone else walking off with you and that would be the last time I saw you. I had to let my baby go, I do not know how I had the strength to refrain myself from chasing after you.

I left the hospital empty handed and broken hearted.

Today it hurts just as bad.

I love you and miss you, both of these emotions play out equally.

Scales of Time

  Today is the start of what I feel is one of my hardest milestones.  The scales of time change. Harrison died 40 weeks ago today and Monday is 40 weeks since I last held him and had to say goodbye.

We were together and attached for 40 weeks and now time pulls him further away from me. It really scares me that he starts being gone longer than he was with me.

Son, for 40 weeks I held you safe inside, you listened to my heart and I counted down the days to hear your heart beat at the midwives. Daddy would rest his head against my belly and swore he could hear the sweet murmur of your heart.  For 40 weeks we did everything together, I became a “we”.  We would have full conversations in the grocery store aisles and long talks on the couch.  During late nights at work you would push up on my ribs letting me know you agreed it was time to go home for a rest.

40 weeks ago today you danced your last dance. I was lying in bed amused by your tricks of flips and turns.  Little did I know that would be the last time you would hear my laugh and I would feel you.  That night I slept soundly into the morning.  Your spirit had left your body.  I miss you so much.

Monday will be the 10 month anniversary of his birth and death, the last day I ever held him.  I can’t believe how fast this dreaded time has come, it still feels like yesterday and I am not ready for this shift in the scales of time.  All I can do now is hold him in my heart.

It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.  ~J.K. Rowling, "The Hungarian Horntail," Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2000

Whether we wake or we sleep, Whether we carol or weep, The Sun with his Planets in chime, Marketh the going of Time. ~Edward Fitzgerald

All squeezed in

 I am sausaged into my swimsuit at 29 weeks.

My mother wanted to start doing aquafit and I thought it would be a good pregger-workout, after all I bought 10 passes months ago. The one thing I neglected to think about was the swimsuit. My Speedo fit with Harrison so I thought I could squeeze myself into it again, NOT! I wiggled it over my thighs, pleaded with my breast to stay in and barely attached the clip at the back.

It is so true no two pregnancies are alike. My two pregnancies are exactly a year apart. Both the seasons and holidays are reminders of the last time which makes it easy to compare the two.

At 23 weeks I had just started wearing maternity clothes, this time I was not even out of the stretch pants when we discovered I was pregnant. I have just gone up a size!

At 7 months strangers had started noticing I was pregnant, this time I waddle. I am the same size around today as I was at 40 weeks and the same weight as delivery.

Harrison was a physically easy pregnancy. I suffered through 16 to 20 weeks of morning sickness but my body did not suffer from heartburn, stretch marks, hemorrhoids, and varicose veins. This time nothing has been spared.

Regardless of all the unease she is doing to my body I am happy to play host! I enjoy watching her move about in my belly, her constant kicks and turns are reassuring and her startled reactions to Dad's TV shows make me laugh.

Well I am off to aquasize; I hope the water makes the swimsuit stretch out!