When is it our turn to catch a break? Have we not had enough bad luck and shit happen over these past few years? Why does *shit* keep pouring down on us. Harrison, James' chronic depression and some resulting side effects from medications and mismanagement, losing his job then me losing my job.
I have not found work yet, we run out of money in a month and half. What is going to happen then? Do I need to pack us up and find a cheap place to live? I am scared and sick of the string of events in our life.
Please, help us find some good so we can start moving forward.
June 23, 2011
June 11, 2011
Visiting
Visits to the Cemetary
Elodie sleep on the car ride up
We either leave her in the car to sleep or she wakes up once the car's motion is halted
We clean the grass off the stones in our family's row
We trim the grass back around the decorations
We spiffy up the decoration.
We walk around and see if anyone new has joined our son.
We play a game with Elodie between the stones, today was hide and seek
We say our goodbyes
I lie down over him and send him kisses and cry.
I cry the whole ride home.
Repeat again next week.
Elodie sleep on the car ride up
We either leave her in the car to sleep or she wakes up once the car's motion is halted
We clean the grass off the stones in our family's row
We trim the grass back around the decorations
We spiffy up the decoration.
We walk around and see if anyone new has joined our son.
We play a game with Elodie between the stones, today was hide and seek
We say our goodbyes
I lie down over him and send him kisses and cry.
I cry the whole ride home.
Repeat again next week.
June 8, 2011
Pretty Girl
Why do I love this picture beyond the obvious? She is doing a facial expression I would do as a child, which makes this one of the very few things that she does like Mom. She is looks like DH and takes after him.
June 2, 2011
Continuing Anger
I am still so angry, I feel so dirty and awful inside for all the anger that I can't let go. My anger is two fold, I am angry at myself and at my sweet baby boy.
Son, why did you leave me? Was I not good enough to be your mommy? Did I do something wrong? I wish so hard you would have given me the chance to show you my love.
Myself, how did you let this happen? How is your husband ever supposed to look at you the same way you failed in your duty to bring him a son.
What I have never told anyone because its too painful for me to admit to is I think I could have saved him. I was involved in a small car accident; a rear ending, nothing too bad but shook me up that the mundane activity of driving in traffic to work could harm my baby. After the bump I went in for a Non-Stress Test (NST) and everything checked out fine. I felt I was being paranoid because it was not a big deal the accident, the baby would only have felt my heart race. I was offered an ultra-sound which I declined because I was trying to keep the testing to a minimum. GOD was I so dumb, they would have seen you were in trouble and gotten you out of me. I keep thinking the accident was not an accident but an intervention and an external call for help. I could have saved you but now I need to live with the guilt that I was too passive and trusting in myself. I hate myself for this.
Its so hard to share these thoughts with friend and family. I know their reaction would be a look of horror that I think this way followed by so many reassuring lines that it was nothing I did and no one knew that outcome. I don't want or deserve reassurance. I want to know how to live with this.
Son, why did you leave me? Was I not good enough to be your mommy? Did I do something wrong? I wish so hard you would have given me the chance to show you my love.
Myself, how did you let this happen? How is your husband ever supposed to look at you the same way you failed in your duty to bring him a son.
What I have never told anyone because its too painful for me to admit to is I think I could have saved him. I was involved in a small car accident; a rear ending, nothing too bad but shook me up that the mundane activity of driving in traffic to work could harm my baby. After the bump I went in for a Non-Stress Test (NST) and everything checked out fine. I felt I was being paranoid because it was not a big deal the accident, the baby would only have felt my heart race. I was offered an ultra-sound which I declined because I was trying to keep the testing to a minimum. GOD was I so dumb, they would have seen you were in trouble and gotten you out of me. I keep thinking the accident was not an accident but an intervention and an external call for help. I could have saved you but now I need to live with the guilt that I was too passive and trusting in myself. I hate myself for this.
Its so hard to share these thoughts with friend and family. I know their reaction would be a look of horror that I think this way followed by so many reassuring lines that it was nothing I did and no one knew that outcome. I don't want or deserve reassurance. I want to know how to live with this.
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