Today we headed out for a walk and ended up at the Dollorama. I so love wandering the aisles of this store and finding a true bargain or some useless yet fun contraption.
Walking by the children's toys, a toy tambourine jumped out at me, you see Elodie has been busy swinging her arm and banging her hand against anything, so this toy would be perfectly obnoxious for her. I set the tambourine down on her lap and away she went banging it and enjoying the reaction of the metal cymbals clacking together. Next aisle was more toys, big push trucks in bright colours. Since I had already showed Elodie the tambourine I figured Harrison should get something too. So off we went with a tambourine, a big plastic truck and chocolate bar for Mom and Dad.
This was a seemingly normal trip to the dollar store, RIGHT?
September 28, 2010
September 22, 2010
Prayers Needed
Please pray for someone I know will become a dear life long friend. Thursday morning at 8:30 am she will start the delivery process of a beautiful boy destined for Heaven.
Tiny Baby I know you will be welcomed by so many beautiful babies.
This brings me back to the night of sleeping in the nursery knowing the worst day of my life was ahead of me. I can only wonder how this family is handling the agony.
My prayers are with you.
Tiny Baby I know you will be welcomed by so many beautiful babies.
This brings me back to the night of sleeping in the nursery knowing the worst day of my life was ahead of me. I can only wonder how this family is handling the agony.
My prayers are with you.
September 13, 2010
Triplet Butterfly Wings: Harrison Xander
Triplet Butterfly Wings: Harrison Xander:
Such a beautiful picture and project. Please visit her site for more gorgeous pictures and read all about her project. Triplet Butterfly Wings I am so amazed by it. She even honours each child by releasing a butterfly matching the gender.
Thank you Rachel and JaCoCo. Your heart is swelling with love.
Too few words of appreciation just tears of appreciation.
HUGS Kemayla
Such a beautiful picture and project. Please visit her site for more gorgeous pictures and read all about her project. Triplet Butterfly Wings I am so amazed by it. She even honours each child by releasing a butterfly matching the gender.
Thank you Rachel and JaCoCo. Your heart is swelling with love.
Too few words of appreciation just tears of appreciation.
HUGS Kemayla
September 9, 2010
Another Flashback
I had another one. Another vividly disturbing flashback from the day I delivered and parted with my son. These flashbacks place me right back to the day, but they are almost worst, as I have the time and the ability to absorb the reality of it.
During the events of losing Harrison I was in complete shock, fully numb and running on auto pilot. Auto pilot is doing what I am programmed to do. Brush my teeth, brush my hair apply my make- up (yes I had a full done daily), cook, clean and be polite. People would ask me to sit, to rest and relax but that was not my automatic response and I was probably terrified to stop and process so I just kept going. Now, almost a year and half later I unfortunately get to relive some of those awful, sometimes gruesome moments in full sensory mode. My flashbacks are full body experiences that include; sights, sounds, smell and worst off are physically painful. For hours afterwards I am physically and emotionally drained. The colour is drained from my skin and my heart is gashed open.
After this last one I questioned my behaviors and decisions from that day. How was I able to leave my child and watch him being carried off? How did I willingly get in the car without him? Why did I not become that hysterical mother that you would see in the movies? Why is my baby not here with me? I found myself screaming “I want my baby, I want my baby, and I want my baby.” I cried and I screamed until the better part of me realized this behavior was not going to make it better and I had to focus on the now because the past is just too painful.
During the events of losing Harrison I was in complete shock, fully numb and running on auto pilot. Auto pilot is doing what I am programmed to do. Brush my teeth, brush my hair apply my make- up (yes I had a full done daily), cook, clean and be polite. People would ask me to sit, to rest and relax but that was not my automatic response and I was probably terrified to stop and process so I just kept going. Now, almost a year and half later I unfortunately get to relive some of those awful, sometimes gruesome moments in full sensory mode. My flashbacks are full body experiences that include; sights, sounds, smell and worst off are physically painful. For hours afterwards I am physically and emotionally drained. The colour is drained from my skin and my heart is gashed open.
After this last one I questioned my behaviors and decisions from that day. How was I able to leave my child and watch him being carried off? How did I willingly get in the car without him? Why did I not become that hysterical mother that you would see in the movies? Why is my baby not here with me? I found myself screaming “I want my baby, I want my baby, and I want my baby.” I cried and I screamed until the better part of me realized this behavior was not going to make it better and I had to focus on the now because the past is just too painful.
September 8, 2010
An Inscription
I really like this saying I came across today in the September newsletter of the Perinatal Berevement Services of Ontario
DEATH LEAVES A HEARTACHE
NO ONE CAN HEAL,
LOVE LEAVES A MEMORY
NO ONE CAN STEAL.
From a stone in Ireland.
DEATH LEAVES A HEARTACHE
NO ONE CAN HEAL,
LOVE LEAVES A MEMORY
NO ONE CAN STEAL.
From a stone in Ireland.
September 2, 2010
Eternity
Some days the grief just sneaks up on me. Earlier in the day I was congratulating myself for feeling well and not having any episode. You know those episodes when I scream so loud that nothing audible comes out. Well it happened today. I had a flashback.
Elodie and I had just arrived home from shopping and I was feeding her a bottle, the TV was playing in the back ground, I had to remove the bottle from her mouth so I could readjust and she let out her usual whimper to let me know she was not done. This is when it happened.
All I could do at this point was to continue feeding my living child as I stared up at the ceiling with buckets of tears slipping down my face and running off my chin. Again the earth had been pulled out from beneath. As I was silently dying inside my daughter finished up her bottle and just smiled at me. I sat there holding her, feeling her breath and wiggle as she played with my necklace that unites DH, Harrison and I for eternity.
Elodie and I had just arrived home from shopping and I was feeding her a bottle, the TV was playing in the back ground, I had to remove the bottle from her mouth so I could readjust and she let out her usual whimper to let me know she was not done. This is when it happened.
I felt this one throughout the entirety of my body; I felt his tiny body slip out from me as I held my breath. Silence. I screamed “cry baby, cry!” The room fell even more silent. Everything went dark.
All I could do at this point was to continue feeding my living child as I stared up at the ceiling with buckets of tears slipping down my face and running off my chin. Again the earth had been pulled out from beneath. As I was silently dying inside my daughter finished up her bottle and just smiled at me. I sat there holding her, feeling her breath and wiggle as she played with my necklace that unites DH, Harrison and I for eternity.
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