Birthday Proof

Elodie's Birthday gifts to Daddy.

How do I capture a picture of her when I can not get her to spot moving! I had to chase her around the house and not a single picture is in focus because she was moving so fast.

The cake, a Chocolate Cheese Mouse Cake.

Happy Birthday DH

We need to back track a bit to catch up.


DH has been suffering from Chronic Depression since the death of our son and nothing seemed to break his downward spiral. I tried to push him forward; I tried to entice him with new gifts and not to hold him back from any activity he showed interest in. Nothing worked. He did a good job fooling those around him that everything was OK because every few days/or weeks he would peak out for a few hours around the company of others. I was never blessed to have this man to myself. He would work hard at getting some chores or a project done or be spotted on the slopes with his snow board. He then would tell his doctors that he was doing better and give these examples. The unfortunate part about treating him was that I was not aloud in the doctor’s office to share my observations. So he continued to get worst until that scary day on September 22nd when his one constant was cut off, his job. When he was alone in his depression he would often find solace in his computer because he could identify himself as a computer guy. His computer was taken back, his cell phone cut off, his reason for getting up each day was gone and the financial stability of our household was soon going to end.

DH found himself at a crossroads. He could either continue on his life path as the man with the dead baby and no job or he could get better. I am so proud to say he chose to get better. He quit the drugs cold turkey and decided to push through the withdrawal on his own. I have to admit this was a rocky period in our marriage and I was ready to walk out the door as I feel that I have already put up with enough. He was a bear! But the bear emerged from his den and started to help out around the house and interact with Elodie. When times got tough we remembered what one of our facilitators shared with us in bereavement group. He too had lost his job soon after the death of his son and found it to be a very therapeutic time for him to heal. He moved on to a job where no one had seen him at his lowest and re found the need to impress his colleagues. This story gave us both comfort, knowing someone so like us had walked this path.

Fortunately DH had great success with his resume and the interview requests started. It was not too long before DH entertained a job offer.

Today is DH’s 30 Birthday. Currently he is in bed cuddled up to Elodie and will be waking up to take her swimming shortly. I am proud of how far DH has come and wish him a spotless future.

“Whatever your past has been, you have a spotless future.”
                     Melanie Gustafson

“Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
                    Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is Broken

I had big plans at returning to the blogging world BUT my computer ended a long run with me.  (Well I believe it could have lasted longer, I purchased it when we has just moved to our fancy, oh so hip, mega cool, look at us downtown condo in 2006.  In the mean time I am accessing the internet on an old beast and my blackberry.  My blackberry service ends this week too because I did not think that the stay at home mother of myself needed any fancy gadgets to connect to the internet.  Because, lets face it the only thing I do now is read blogs from other parents that survived the death of a child, message boards that reflect my current lifestyle, baby/parenting sites and the odd recipe search on the web and of course organize countless pictures of my children. 

So what am I going to do with my time until my laptop has been restored?  I perused books at the library today and had no idea what to get so I left with baby sign language books for Elodie.  So far tonight James has learnt how to tell me he is angry at me without raising his voice :)  I can get an elephant to ask for more cereal and Elodie just laughs at her parents.

Please know I am thinking of all of you, your precious children and can't wait to catch up with your daily lives when I am reunited with my laptop.

Envy

Pre-pregnancy to Harrison I had no interest in others pregnancies then I became pregnant and I could not get enough baby talk. I could spot a pregnant lady on the subway from the back of the train. I loved doing the pregnant belly glance as another mommy to be walked by. Then I lost Harrison and dislike pregnant woman as I was envious of them. I did not believe they knew what a blessing they were carrying and how they should savour every minute of it. These same feelings extended to new mothers as I too should be passing them in the stores with my fancy new stroller and baby boy.


Then I became pregnant with Elodie and did my best to enjoy every minute of the pregnancy and finally got to join the mommy clubs. I belonged.

Recently these feelings of annoyance towards happy parents and families have crept inside of me again. The same mothers I should have befriended in Harrison’s play groups are expecting again. I am envious of them because they get to keep living my dream. I too should be thinking of giving my son another brother and sister and wondering how to manage a baby and my busy lil monkey. So again I find myself uncomfortable around pregnant woman and jealous of happy growing families.

Our time will come to give Harrison and Elodie another sibling but it is just not the same as in my dreams.

Be Right Back

We are at the beach for some R&R.
Next week we will be back with lots of updates.