When things are Up I am Down

The anaology that grief is like riding a roller coaster is so true.  In the early days you measure progress in minutes, then hours than finally days. 

2.5 years later I am still riding this roller coaster but it seems to be in weeks.  I had been doing so well until my last visit to the cemetary and I melted down. I found myself lying on the cold ground without the strength to stand up, I did not have the strength to talk on the ride home.  The next few days I fought off crying episodes and was a mess. My energy again was being used to keep myself together, which made casual conversation and working quite difficult.  What really upset me was how after so much time I could be in such a weak grief striken state without the knowledge to pull myself out. 

This last episode did not make much sense to me, things were looking up at home. I was working again, the house was saved and we are all healthy and striving. So why? Why now?

This past weekend I skipped my visit to see him because I could not sink down any lower and I knew I did not have the strength to visit. With this decision the full force of guild swept over me.

I am at a personal impass. Do I visit and accept that it may bring me down for a few days or do I skip visits because I can't afford to go down and accept the guilt it brings.  Neither option feels comfortable to me. The reality is I need to ride this next phase of grief and find some resolution to deal with these feelings. 

I have a job

I have a new job- finally. I am working with an organization that supports families with an individual living with Autism spectrum Disorder.

Everything so far is going smoothly. They are very accommodating to my family life and offer lots of flexibility with the joint understanding that staff are professionals and value their career and employment with the organization.

After my first week of work, I knew in my heart this is where I should be and I need to be.  The parents shared stories of regular life expediences their families were missing out on, such as pictures with Santa.  I went home and shared these stories with DH and we unanimously knew that this was a good place for me to work as we understand too well what it is like to miss regular family experiences.  We both want these  families to have what we regularly miss with Harrison.

A dear friend of mine was instrumental in helping me secure this job as a reference.  When I lost Harrison she was one of the few friends that could sort of understand what I was going through.  She has never experienced extreme grief and I pray she will.  Her youngest son has an ASD (Autism),  her and her husband had to come to terms with his reality and limitations.  She would look into his eyes would see a blank stare and would spend hours wondering who was behind those gorgeous baby boy eyes.  She physically had her son but had to grieve who he could have be the same way I grieve for who Harrison could be.  Her son, with lots of patience and dedication from her and his therapist has come along way with his communication and language skills.  Many times she has told me how grateful she is for the services offered to support the family.

I am going to try my best to raise valuable funds to help families like my friend with the guidance and drive of Harrison.

We are thinking of all the babies gone to soon from their parents arms. 

Hopeful Mama