I love my baby girl so much, she is the funniest and sweetest thing to bless this family. She does the most comical inquisitive things and I can and do spend hours watching her. More often than not she makes me laugh outloud which brings on a big sweeping gush of love. However, these gushes are followed by intense sadness and guilt. Harrison would have given me these same moments, he was to be the one to introduce me to the joys of parenthood. I don't feel my love for him the same as I do for her and its not fair to him. The thought of her brings me joy and smiles meanwhile the thought of him brings me pain and sadness.
Perhaps, had this not happened to my first born I would have understood parenthood better and would not have to live through the pains of all those first parenthood moments that are supposed to be so wonderful? If he was my second I would not have been robbed of parenting newby-ness, maybe then I would not cry and be heart broken everytime my daughter discovers something new and wonderful about this world?
Two years later and I still don't get it.
I love both my children intensly but the feeling of love comes out so diffrently. I wish my love for my son could be the same loving feeling I get for my daughter. I wish I could fully feel the joy and magic of her childhood without the nagging feeling I missed out.
