Home

We are home from a week of travel. I am so happy to be reaquainted with my bed and Elodie is delighted to be back in her Fisher Price bouncer.  Silly Dh wants to head back up North Wednesday-- I doubt I will have all the laudry done in time!  Back to unpacking.

The origin of the name Elodie

Many people have asked where we got the name Elodie, pronounced L.O.D. from.  A long long time ago before Dh and I were wed we went white water rafting on the Ottawa river. The rafting company we chose was on the Quebec side and offered bilingual services.  In our raft we met anhother couple and her name was Alodia.  I have always wanted to name my child Elle after Elle McPherson but felt it needed to be a more complete name. That day in August many years ago we decided our first daughter will be named Elodie. 

After much research this is what we have learned:

Saint Elodie Cordoba is a young martyr in Cordoba in the ninth century , celebrated on October 22 .   She was the daughter of a Muslim and a Christian.  His father was tolerant enough to let his Christian wife raise their two daughters, Alodia (Elodie) and his sister Nunilo or Nunilone in Christianity.  When he died, their mother remarried another Muslim who claimed that his adopted daughters, according to Islamic law, return to the religion of their father.

Islamic law requires every child in fact a Muslim father to adopt the religion, on pain of death.  And the emir of Cordoba, Abd al-Rahman II , prohibits the practice of Christianity.

Elodie and Nunilon in vain to take refuge in one of their aunts, Christian, they are discovered, arrested and locked in separate cells.

The girls were arrested, the judge tries to persuade them of apostasy , but in vain.  They are publicly beheaded 851 , in the region of Huesca , in Spain , on October 22 .

 According to tradition Aragon, and Alodia Nunilo were from the village of Adahuesca ( Barbastro ), and they were imprisoned in the castle of Alquézar .  Decapitated in Huesca, their relics are preserved in the monastery of Leire, where two scenes carved on the west portal represent their martyrdom.

Wikipedia

The name is very fitting as we both have french catholic family and think the orgin of the name pays respect to our family heritage.

I am down and I am up

We ordered this shirt hoping Elodie could where it home from the hospital the day she was born, however she was much too small.  The week before she was born we decided to stick with the traditional spelling of the name after Saint Elodie of Cordoue.















These last few weeks have been emotionally chaotic. I can't say I am depressed nor can I say I am great overall but if you called me every hour you may get an hourly update.

Elodie is so fantastic, she is adorable and squeezable and such a good baby.  We have lots of fun together.
Harrison, I miss you so much. Why has time not helped?  I am continually reliving last year, the days, the activities and the weather.  I wish you were here with me.  Harrison's monument was put in today and I am so scared to see his name etched in stone making this awful event even more real. 

Elodie I love you. Harrison I love you.

Mother's Nod

Truckers have one, the horn toot. Streetcars/trolleys have one, ding ding.   Bickers have one, the lower hand wave.  Motorist driving the same vehicle even share one.  Boaters have one, the hand up. 
In all social circles there seems to be body language signal shared to acknowledge some form of commonality. 

Mothers perform a ritual to one another as they pass in the street, in the malls and at the checkout line.  The mothers will look into the baby carriage and look up at the other mother and smile.  These common nods occur many times a day from friendly mothers.  Many of these friendly mothers often stop and inquire or complement my baby.  As nice as it to stop and chat and be acknowledged into the circles of motherhood  it is another reminder how invisible I have been as a mother.  I know there are countless other invisible mother's out there and I want to take a minute to acknowledge you. 

The poem below was shared on Triplet Butterfly Wings' blog .

What makes a Mother


I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile with other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

-author unknown

The Raw Truth

Sometimes I scream so loud that no audible noise escapes.
Sometimes I fall to the ground because I can't hold it together any longer.
I can't escape so many awful traumatizing thouhts.
I do not fear death and some days I wish my time would come.
I feel old beyond my years.
I find it hard to relate to friends and family.
I welcome friends who have experienced loss as I know how to relate.
Every thought is followed by a horrible thought in my head.
I feel as if I am owed something and yet I feel worthless.
I have lost any self esteem and all my confidence. I second guess myself.

At the end of the day, after smiling, chatting and partaking in activities I question if I am a great actress or need physiological help, as all the above has played out in my head.
The simple truth is I am broken forever.

You are my Sunshine - the other half

The other night I overheard Dh quietly singing "You are my Sunshine" intermixed with sniffles and sighs while playing with Elodie.  My heart ached for him, for Harrison and for Elodie, it is so hard to know that your partner is quietly trying to remain strong.  I asked Dh if he had read my blog because I too find it hard to sing this song to her.  This simple question opened my eyes to how differently we can interpret situations. I presumed he was crying for the same reason that I do; that it is too hard to say "my only sunshine."  Dh is pretty closed lipped when it comes to his emotions but for a brief few minutes he opened up to me. He was tearing up because he is so in love with his daughter and wants her to know and understand just how much she is loved and how the songs helps him say it.

Maybe I should re-read the song lyrics and take a look at it from another angle the angle from the eyes and heart of a mother to a beautiful daughter.

I leave you with a picture, attempting to capture Elodie smiling.

You are my Sunshine

Too many childrens songs just bring tears to my eyes.   I can't help looking at Miss-E and telling her she is my sunshine but when I sing the lyrics "my only sunshine" I completely lose myself to grief because she is not my only sunshine.  I felt so much light and joy when I carried Harrison.

 When I looked up the actual lyrics to the song I was surprised by the first verse, one could believe Johnny Cash was singing it for baby loss.

Title: Johnny Cash - You Are My Sunshine lyrics

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away