August 21, 2010
August 19, 2010
I love your many ways
Baby Elodie I am astonished by all the ways you brighten up my day with love. Your smallest actions and just being you brings on ripples of love.
Every morning you greet me with a beaming smile and a look of excitement. As tired as I may be I can’t help but match that smile. You have given me the ability to smile again. Following your warm greeting is you’re all over body excitement, with your legs and arms pumping, ready to take on the day. I adore how hard you focus on mastering holding the bottle, leaning back and brining it your mouth, watching you learn is incredible. When I feed you grip my finger and bring your other hand to your face in complete delight. The world stands still while we gaze into one another’s eyes.
I love the soft touch of your skin next to mine. I love seeing you wiggle when I lightly stroke your belly and you scrunch up and straighten out, for me to do it again and again. It gives me such pleasure to brush my cheek against your velvety soft head with its downy peach fuzz.
You make me chuckle when I look back in the rear view mirror and see you fast asleep with your head cocked to the side and your nose facing upward with your high browed expressions.
Even at your worst when you think the world is crumbling you give me a quick smile when I rescue you into my arms.
Baby Elodie I love you in so many ways. I only think now I am learning what it is like to love so purely.
Every morning you greet me with a beaming smile and a look of excitement. As tired as I may be I can’t help but match that smile. You have given me the ability to smile again. Following your warm greeting is you’re all over body excitement, with your legs and arms pumping, ready to take on the day. I adore how hard you focus on mastering holding the bottle, leaning back and brining it your mouth, watching you learn is incredible. When I feed you grip my finger and bring your other hand to your face in complete delight. The world stands still while we gaze into one another’s eyes.
I love the soft touch of your skin next to mine. I love seeing you wiggle when I lightly stroke your belly and you scrunch up and straighten out, for me to do it again and again. It gives me such pleasure to brush my cheek against your velvety soft head with its downy peach fuzz.
You make me chuckle when I look back in the rear view mirror and see you fast asleep with your head cocked to the side and your nose facing upward with your high browed expressions.
Even at your worst when you think the world is crumbling you give me a quick smile when I rescue you into my arms.
Baby Elodie I love you in so many ways. I only think now I am learning what it is like to love so purely.
August 9, 2010
Failed Plans
This past week, I had been feeling pretty good about life, so much so I was going to start up a social life. In my mind I had big plans of getting.
The big plan was to go out dancing on the weekend with some girl friends. Step 1 was to reconnect and talk to friends, step 2 was to go out in the evening and leave Dad with the baby, step 3 go out dancing. The plan failed at step 2! My sweet adorable easy going little girl has developed a need for all things MOM. The child that we would once read a story and lay her down in her bassinet and say night night would fall asleep on her own with a smile across her face is gone. She has been replaced with a sweet cuddly rock me to sleep or I will fuss. The rocker of choice is yours truly.
The evening I went for coffee with a friend was a disaster. About 45 minutes from leaving the house I checked my phone to see two missed calls and a voice mail. The voice mail was of my sweet child screaming her lungs out in octaves I have never heard before. I called home several times and no one answered then tried Dh’s cell. He answered in a weak whisper “don’t call the house she is finally not screaming, CLICK.” Just great, this is what I needed to bring on an anxiety attack. I tried to talk myself down from speeding off. Dad and daughter need to figure out life together, I would give them space. I managed to delay my race for home by 10 minutes and down my lovely chai tea.
At home Daddy and daughter were asleep, her in her bouncer with her clothes on backwards and Dad sprawled across the sofa. The following day I learned that she spun her head like Poltergeist looking for Mom. Dh swears she produces screams that I have never heard and she can scream MomMom MomMom at 4 months of age. The poor man even tried using the scent of my clothing to calm her down.
Needless to say I did not go out this weekend. Here is a recent picture of our sweet Elodie.
The big plan was to go out dancing on the weekend with some girl friends. Step 1 was to reconnect and talk to friends, step 2 was to go out in the evening and leave Dad with the baby, step 3 go out dancing. The plan failed at step 2! My sweet adorable easy going little girl has developed a need for all things MOM. The child that we would once read a story and lay her down in her bassinet and say night night would fall asleep on her own with a smile across her face is gone. She has been replaced with a sweet cuddly rock me to sleep or I will fuss. The rocker of choice is yours truly.
The evening I went for coffee with a friend was a disaster. About 45 minutes from leaving the house I checked my phone to see two missed calls and a voice mail. The voice mail was of my sweet child screaming her lungs out in octaves I have never heard before. I called home several times and no one answered then tried Dh’s cell. He answered in a weak whisper “don’t call the house she is finally not screaming, CLICK.” Just great, this is what I needed to bring on an anxiety attack. I tried to talk myself down from speeding off. Dad and daughter need to figure out life together, I would give them space. I managed to delay my race for home by 10 minutes and down my lovely chai tea.
At home Daddy and daughter were asleep, her in her bouncer with her clothes on backwards and Dad sprawled across the sofa. The following day I learned that she spun her head like Poltergeist looking for Mom. Dh swears she produces screams that I have never heard and she can scream MomMom MomMom at 4 months of age. The poor man even tried using the scent of my clothing to calm her down.
Needless to say I did not go out this weekend. Here is a recent picture of our sweet Elodie.
July 25, 2010
Making Friends old and new
I have had a great weekend and to bout did needn to leave my home! We decided to stay home and make time for friends. Over the past year we have not had much time to dedicate to others as we have been looking after ourselves and healing. I really appreciate the friends that have understood that we needed to focus on ourselves, Harrison and the pregnancy.
Finally the time has come where we feel that we have the strength to open our home and spread our focus. Saturday DH invited a few friends over for a rained out BBQ. I was nervous to talk to people outside of my closed circle that knew my plight but enjoyed myself and meeting some new friends. This is a step forward for me and facing new people as I have mentioned before how I lost some self confidence. Today we spent the better part of the afternoon outside just chilling and relaxing with another group of friends. As I type I am waiting for my friend to come over so I can congratulate her on her engagement. I think I may be ready to start taking those first few steps outside of my sheltered circle.
Finally the time has come where we feel that we have the strength to open our home and spread our focus. Saturday DH invited a few friends over for a rained out BBQ. I was nervous to talk to people outside of my closed circle that knew my plight but enjoyed myself and meeting some new friends. This is a step forward for me and facing new people as I have mentioned before how I lost some self confidence. Today we spent the better part of the afternoon outside just chilling and relaxing with another group of friends. As I type I am waiting for my friend to come over so I can congratulate her on her engagement. I think I may be ready to start taking those first few steps outside of my sheltered circle.
July 22, 2010
Turn That Frown Upside Down
First off I am having a better day today, a glass of wine and some sinfully fattening dinner of chicken wings and fries did the trick.
Upon reflection at the end of the day I realized that it was two years ago this week I discovered I was expecting Harrison. It is so strange thinking back to a happy time I remember feeling so excited and scared, now I question if my happiness will ever be pure and fulfilling because sadness lives in my heart. Around the same time last year I found out we were expecting Elodie. It was a pure surprise and a bit of a mystery. Rather than running to DH to share the news, I kept it to myself for a few days in disbelief convinced I was reading the test wrong. It was when I visited my doctors to get Harrison’s autopsy reports the pregnancy was confirmed. I told her how I could not understand how this happened. Her reply was priceless that she was not going to go over how these things happen as I should have figured this out by now.
This July I am pretty confident that I am not pregnant for a third time in row. It would be absolutely impossible, DH and I have not resumed that part of our relationship, partly out of fear of a reoccurrence but more so from the hurt and pain that have come between us. We both have a lot of healing to do.
Upon reflection at the end of the day I realized that it was two years ago this week I discovered I was expecting Harrison. It is so strange thinking back to a happy time I remember feeling so excited and scared, now I question if my happiness will ever be pure and fulfilling because sadness lives in my heart. Around the same time last year I found out we were expecting Elodie. It was a pure surprise and a bit of a mystery. Rather than running to DH to share the news, I kept it to myself for a few days in disbelief convinced I was reading the test wrong. It was when I visited my doctors to get Harrison’s autopsy reports the pregnancy was confirmed. I told her how I could not understand how this happened. Her reply was priceless that she was not going to go over how these things happen as I should have figured this out by now.
This July I am pretty confident that I am not pregnant for a third time in row. It would be absolutely impossible, DH and I have not resumed that part of our relationship, partly out of fear of a reoccurrence but more so from the hurt and pain that have come between us. We both have a lot of healing to do.
July 21, 2010
Off Day
I am super cranky today. I want to bite off everyones head and eat cookies. Too bad as a mother this is not an option. Smile smile.
July 15, 2010
Learning through the heat
I have not been the best at updating my blog now that the hot weather has rolled in and chased us from our home. We finally succumb to the high humidity and ordered an air conditioner, which is being installed as I type. In a few hours cold dry air will be blowing through my home. The heat has been an easy excuse as to why I have not done much housework or cooking. I am using these last few hazy hours to come up with a new reason and I know Elodie’s wellbeing will justify my reasoning to put these domestic obligations off.
The simple truth is Elodie is so laid back and does not keep me from much. This morning the doll spent an hour playing on her Baby Einstein play mat. She adores the thing! She is so focused on her goal of making use of her hands. Watching her learn to manipulate her hands to match the gaze of her eyes is astounding. Her constant determination teaches me a few lessons in patience. It is no surprise why she is so exhausted by the end of the day.
The simple truth is Elodie is so laid back and does not keep me from much. This morning the doll spent an hour playing on her Baby Einstein play mat. She adores the thing! She is so focused on her goal of making use of her hands. Watching her learn to manipulate her hands to match the gaze of her eyes is astounding. Her constant determination teaches me a few lessons in patience. It is no surprise why she is so exhausted by the end of the day.
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