Another Angel

On Friday October 15th. Andrew was born and passed.
Please send prayers to the Smith family.

Not so Happy Anniversary

Five years ago today DH and I visited my Grandfather in the Sandford Cemetery as he passed away the summer before our nuptials.  It was a sad but meaningful visit. We left a wedding invitation that he refused to accept while he was in the hospital as he knew he would not make it and a white rose. I carried a white rose in my bouquet as well which a presented to my Grandma at the reception.  My Grandpa was joined by my Grandma a year later, most likely of a broken heart.  I cherish and love my Grandparents and miss them daily.  My experience of mourning them taught me nothing in mourning my son who would be laid to rest at their feet.

I look back at the photo of us visiting the grave and wonder.  You see, every occasion we go back there and visit our son; birthdays, holidays and milestones. October 15th does not hold the happiness or celebration of a special day but rather a day of remembrance e to all the babies who never had the chance to live the full complete life as my Grandparents.  There will be no weddings for him and he will never have children or grandchildren of his own.  What he does have are two parents that love him very much and spend their days keeping his memory alive.

Today please remember my son, say his name and help us with our goal of supporting all the families who will unfortunately have to maneuver this dreaded journey.

Hopeful Mama

*Looking at Harrison's picture I think he looks like my Grandpa. Such an honour.

Not a happy home

I have not posted much because again I find myself in survival mode.  DH lost his job.  DH never recovered from the loss of his son and his work could no longer tolerate his low productivity.  The after shocks of events just keep rippling through our home.

DH is struggling to figure out how this all happened and I am trying my best not to break in two. 

I really wish he could get his act together and start looking for work.  I am afraid that I may need to return to work and if I do have to return early I know I will be so resentful.

Just so much to process and too hard to put my thoughts in writting at this time.

Dollorama

Today we headed out for a walk and ended up at the Dollorama.  I so love wandering the aisles of this store and finding a true bargain or some useless yet fun contraption. 

Walking by the children's toys, a toy tambourine jumped out at me, you see Elodie has been busy swinging her arm and banging her hand against anything, so this toy would be perfectly obnoxious for her.  I set the tambourine down on her lap and away she went banging it and enjoying the reaction of the metal cymbals clacking together.  Next aisle was more toys, big push trucks in bright colours. Since I had already showed Elodie the tambourine I figured Harrison should get something too.  So off we went with a tambourine, a big plastic truck and chocolate bar for Mom and Dad.

This was a seemingly normal trip to the dollar store, RIGHT?

Prayers Needed

Please pray for someone I know will become a dear life long friend.  Thursday morning at 8:30 am she will start the delivery process of a beautiful boy destined for Heaven. 

Tiny Baby I know you will be welcomed by so many beautiful babies.

This brings me back to the night of sleeping in the nursery knowing the worst day of my life was ahead of me.  I can only wonder how this family is handling the agony.

My prayers are with you.

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Harrison Xander

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Harrison Xander:

Such a beautiful picture and project.  Please visit her site for more gorgeous pictures and read all about her project. Triplet Butterfly Wings  I am so amazed by it.  She even honours each child by releasing a butterfly matching the gender.
Thank you Rachel and JaCoCo. Your heart is swelling with love.
Too few words of appreciation just tears of appreciation.

HUGS Kemayla

Another Flashback

I had another one. Another vividly disturbing flashback from the day I delivered and parted with my son. These flashbacks place me right back to the day, but they are almost worst, as I have the time and the ability to absorb the reality of it.


During the events of losing Harrison I was in complete shock, fully numb and running on auto pilot. Auto pilot is doing what I am programmed to do. Brush my teeth, brush my hair apply my make- up (yes I had a full done daily), cook, clean and be polite. People would ask me to sit, to rest and relax but that was not my automatic response and I was probably terrified to stop and process so I just kept going. Now, almost a year and half later I unfortunately get to relive some of those awful, sometimes gruesome moments in full sensory mode. My flashbacks are full body experiences that include; sights, sounds, smell and worst off are physically painful. For hours afterwards I am physically and emotionally drained. The colour is drained from my skin and my heart is gashed open.

After this last one I questioned my behaviors and decisions from that day. How was I able to leave my child and watch him being carried off? How did I willingly get in the car without him? Why did I not become that hysterical mother that you would see in the movies? Why is my baby not here with me? I found myself screaming “I want my baby, I want my baby, and I want my baby.” I cried and I screamed until the better part of me realized this behavior was not going to make it better and I had to focus on the now because the past is just too painful.